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1.社会热点类

一、山寨文化

小周 2012年10月21日

写作原文

①Nowadays fake products are becoming more and more. ②In this picture,we can see that a man is brushing a vase symbolizingShanzhai product and want（改为wants） to make it （去掉）a fake product. ③Behind of（去掉）him, there are a lot of fake vases that have been forged by him. ④Whathe think（改为thinks） is money.

①Thisphenonmenon（改为phenomenon） that we called Shanzhai culture is so common in our life. ②We can see cottage products（加here and there）such as cellphone, medicine, MP3and so on . ③Although these products means（改为mean） cheeper（改为cheaper） prices, they have abad influence on our society. ④First of all, we can’t guareetee（改为guarantee） the quality of thesecottage products. ⑤Sometimes the quality is crucial to us. ⑥An abundant of examples have proved this point. ⑦For example, fake medicine lead（改为leads） to the death of apatient（改为patients）. ⑧Besides, a lot of businessman（改为businessmen） pay more attention toprofits and money（去掉）, not the quality of the products. ⑨This will ruined（改为ruin） the image of a company and make people lose faith in them, whichwill be a disaster to a company.

①As far as I am concerned, we should do our best to fight aginst（改为against） the cottage products,and potect the well-known product with high quality. ②At the same time, we should also have some legislations, and carrythem out strictly.

原作点评

第一段点评

第一段描述简单描述图片内容：一个正在忙于制作赝品花瓶的人，满脑子想的都是钱。

②句中want应为单数。主谓一致问题；

  make 后面的it去掉，直接跟名词，表示“制作”。用法错误。

③句中of 去掉，介词behind后面可直接跟him。

④句中think应为单数。主谓一致问题。

  is后面加just，表示此人此刻心中只有钱，加强语气。

第二段点评

第二段概述山寨产品的负面影响，不但对消费者有害，而且严重影响公司形象及客户。

③句中means主谓一致问题

⑤⑥句本身意义上联系紧密，整合成一句话意思更完整。建议改为Sometimes the quality is crucialto us, which can be improved by an abundant of examples.

⑧句中money和语气并列的profits语义重复。所以去掉。

第三段点评

第三段陈述自己的观点，并提出建议。

总体点评

文章错误：①语法词汇：文中多次出现词汇拼写错误，及小的语法细节错误，比如主谓一致问题等。

②框架结构：作文按照题目指令要求行文，每段功能基本到位，思路清晰，个别句子的逻辑关系还可以更紧密些。

修改意见：希望在以后的写作能够细心些，尽量避免以上不必要的低级错误，提高文章质量。

参考分数（满分20分）：14

二、堵车现象

Zhou 2012年10月28日

写作原文

①As is vividly demonstrated in thispicture, we can see a heavy trafic（改为traffic） jam. ②The road in the picture is full ofa lot of private cars forming a long and crowed（改为crowded） queue. ③Everyoneis waiting anxiously and even some people uplift their cars and try tomove on. ④This seems exaggerated, but it illustrate（改为illustrates） an （改为a）widespread and tough problem that trouble（改为troubles） many people.

①In order to tackle the problemthat trafic jam brings to us, I thinkeveryone should be involved and take the responsibility to ease the trafic jam.②On the one hand, when we want togo out, we’d better choose public transport, not private cars, especially inpeek tourist season unless we had （改为 have） some urgent things. ③As we can see some people owns（改为own） two orthree cars. ④In fact one don’t（改为doesn’t）need to buy many private cars. ⑤ On the other hand, the localgovernment should try to improve traffic systems and set some traffic linesreasonably. ⑥If we all do like this, we shouldease trafic jam and save some times（改为time）.

    ①The problem of trafic jam is socrucial and we can’t ignore it. ②If the whole society attach（attaches）high importance to it and pay（改为pays） praticalactions, as far as I am concerned, this phenomenon can be improved.

原作点评

第一段点评

第一段介绍图片内容，简述图片所揭示的现代社会交通拥堵问题的普遍想象。

④句中illustrate主谓一致问题；

冠词an使用错误；

trouble主谓一致问题。

第二段点评

第二段提出解决交通问题是每个人的职责，且从两个方面阐述自己的建议。

②句中had时态错误。这句话总体时态为一般现在时，所以应保持前后统一。

③句中owns主谓一致问题。

④句中don’t主谓一致问题

⑥句中times用法错误。Time的单数形式和复数形式的意思有区别，应注意区分。

第三段点评

第三段总结文章，呼吁解决交通拥堵问题刻不容缓。

②句中attach和pay主谓一致问题。

总体点评

文章错误：①语法单词：文章中主谓一致问题多次出现，且冠词使用问题也没得到重视。

②段落功能：根据题目指令要求，文章从图片描述到详述现象再到最后总结，基本将思想传递出来。二段在分点描述中可以尽量紧紧围绕主题，一些解释点到为止，避免重复叙述同样的意思。做到简洁。

修改意见：在以后的写作中应多注意语法小细节，尤其是主谓已知问题，尽量培养写完后检查的习惯，将这种错误降到最低。内容部分最好可达到丰富且不罗嗦。

参考分数（满分20分）：15

未完待续~~~~~~~~~~~~

gggggggggggggggggggg

   文化交流类

一.老外过春节

小弘 2012年11月26日

写作原文

①From this picture, we can see a chinese（改为Chinese） family and a foreigner are making dumplines（改为dumplings） together to celebrate the new year festival. ②How warm and peace （改为peaceful）they look like! ③However, the symbolicmeaning of this picture is the culture exchanges of China and the West.

    ①The culture exchanges of China andthe West is necessary and inevitable as every courtry wants to developstronger and wealther. ②Nowadays,an increasing number of foreigers（改为foreigners） from the world came to china begin to study chinese（改为Chinese）cultures, such as chinese（改为Chinese） language, Lao Ziand soon. ③Chineseculture has began to go abroad. ④At thesame time, we chinese people also go abroad to study more advanced technologyand education. ⑤Deng Xiaoping has ever came up with the reform and openingpolicies in order to keep pace with new times. ⑥For example, in the 2013 Spring Festival Gala, we can seemany famous western show（改为shows）.

①Culture exchanges of China and theWest equip us with others’ culture and help our country to go futher andhave a further development, which can also contribute to the globlization.

原作点评

第一段点评

第一段描述图片并叙述其中西文化交流的寓意。

①句中chinese首字母大写问题。注意国家、人名等单词的大写问题。

②句中peace词性错误。这里需要并列的形容词。

  theylook like表述不当。这里想要表达的是气氛的融洽和其乐融融，而不是用来形容人的。

③句中However用词不当。该词的前后句并不存在语义上的转折关系。

第二段点评

第二段举例说明文化交流的好处及不可避免的特点。

①句中develop用发错误。该动词后面不可直接跟形容词，可改为联系动词become，即可接形容词。且wealther属无中生有的词，应为wealthier。

②句中有两个谓语动词，came和begin，语法错误，且china未大写，可直接去掉came to china。

⑥句中show单复数问题。

第三段点评

第三段总结文化交流的优势，可促进中国发展。

①句中culture前面可加excellent，表示学习优秀的文化，而不是这样笼统的概述。

总体点评

文章错误：①语法词汇：特殊名词书写，词性，词汇使用，单复数等问题应提高重视。句中

②段落功能：文章整体框架基本合理，个别地方的逻辑关系应多加注意，表达上面应正确传递自己的思想，避免词不达意的现象发生。

修改意见：写作时应细心，选词准确，文章整体思想逻辑紧密，基本的语法问题尽量避免。

参考分数（满分20分）：13

···

二、文化交流与融合

wcghappy 2011年10月24日

写作原文

①Asis vividly shown in this picture, a servant is reminding his emperor of thecoffee time, holding a plate which places a cup of coffee （改为a cup of coffee placed on a plate）over his head. ②Thecaption indicates that western stuffs （改为stuff）has emerged in Chinese daily life.

①Thepicture is thought-provoking and it endeavors to convey us a common phenomenonin our society today, that is, Chinese and their own traditional culture areaffected by alien civilization. ②As is known to us,Chinais a nation with long history and countlessness of brilliant tradition as wellas culture. However, these aspects mentioned above are suffering great ③impaction,for more and more traditional life habits and other features are replaced bythose various characteristics from all over the world. ④Thus, the behavior we act（改为have）and the goods we use ,the ways wethink, the food we eat are all following these changing（改为changes）.

①Ihold my standpoint that we should treat this phenomenon as two separatedpieces. ②For one thing, from the excellent points （改为the excellent points）which stem from foreign culturesare the main aspects we should derive （改为emulate，表示“学习；效仿”）and conduct our practice. ③For another, we also ought tolearned （改为learn）discarding the bad sides whichlimit our development and hinder our society harmony. ④Only by doing these, can we treatthe foreign cultures and civilizations in a correct way.

原作点评

第一段点评

首段描述漫画内容，一个太监服侍皇帝喝咖啡，反应了中西文化的碰撞。

①句place作动词时，若主语非人，一般使用被动语态，因此这里可改为: …the coffee time, holding a cup of coffee placed on a plate overhis head。（可省略从句引导词和助动词，使表达更加简洁直观）

②句中，stuff为不可数名词，不加复数。

第二段点评

二段结合现实分析漫画，西方文化已融入我们的正常生活，影响着我们的方方面面。

①句的alien civilization用得不错，不同于一般的表达foreign culture，是一个亮点表达。在练习的过程中要注意积累运用丰富的表达方式，熟练掌握同义替换的手法，使自己的文章更加生动灵活。

④句中，一般behavior不与act搭配使用，act替换为have即可。

the ways we think 中，we think是the ways的定语从句，这里缺少介词in，因此正确的形式应为：the ways in which we think，但是这里为了保持整体句式的整齐统一，作文中的形式可以保留。这里要提醒的是，在使用不同的表达方式时，一定要注意句子成分是否完整或有多余成分。change有名词词义，这里changing改为changes即可。

第三段点评

末段给出建议措施，我们对待外来文化时要取其精华去其糟粕。

②句介词from表意不明，可删去。

derive意为“源自，起源”，检查是否用错词汇。

③句ought to是情态动词，后跟动词原形，即learn。

④句Only引导的倒装句中不用逗号隔开。

总体点评

文章亮点：①善于思考总结：作者对每一次的点评都会进行反思，并将自己的认识分享出来，在下一次的作文中也能看出对错误的改正，这是非常值得鼓励和提倡的。

②结构完整：三段式写作框架，写作思路与题目指令相符，实现了每一段落的基本功能。

③表达清晰：句型结构基本准确，对修饰成分的运用比较灵活，正确运用衔接词，使文章内容传达更加生动鲜明。

文章错误：词汇错误：在词性、单复数、主被动、动词与名词或介词的搭配上还有错误。

修改意见：词汇错误表明作者对基本语法知识掌握不够牢固，要通过理论知识与实际写作、修改进行强化。

参考分数（满分20分）：12

呵呵，被审核，还以为是我出错了，就多发了一条，果断删掉~~多谢斑竹通过~

今天更新第三集：
                    今天增加了【修改展示】哦，大家可以前后对比，找找需要注意的亮点，会有很大的提高哦……

3.成长教育类

一、论个性

杨洋 2011年10月11日

写作原文

①As the picture shows, to be individual means we should not be afraid to be different. ② Then, we can't help asking what is individuality? ③There are a sea of interpretations for it. ④Yet, from where I stand, individuality, a fashionable word, with the spirit of the times, means don't fall in with the crowd, dare persist what he believed, and have the courage to bring forth new ideas. ⑤The characteristics of individuality,which we can find out, from anyone who has a great  performance in his industry.

①Steven Jobs, a celebrated inventor and merchant who did much to change our life, is a good case in point. ②Interestingly, like Bill Gates, when Steven Jobs was nineteen, he chose suspension of schooling unexpectedly. ③He explained the reason, at the commencement of stanford in 2005, is that he was not interested in his major, so he decided to learn something he interested, such as computer and art words, which seemed unrelative while do have changed our life appearently.

①Individuality, a terrific character, is indispensable for the elites. ②The incrediable and unbelievable ideas spring from the individuality and originality, so you should go your own way, and don't drift with the tide.

原作点评

第一段点评

第一段根据图画，理解图画的核心意思，提炼出主题，便于下文的叙述。

①句：开门见山，直接指明图画的含义，“不要害怕与众不同，要有自己的个性”。

②句：开始引出对individuality“个性”的探讨。③句说“关于它的解释有很多”。

④句表明自己的见解，对这一词汇进行详细的解释，名词性短语，a fashionable word“时髦的名词”, the spirit of the times“时代精神”，with应去掉；需要注意三个部分都是means的内容，dare和have是与means并列的动词短语，都应用单三形式deres和has；“掉进人群里（即千人一面）”的正确表述是don't fall into the crowd。为了避免句意混乱，全句可改为：…individuality , a fashionable word and the spirit of the times, which means don't fall into the crowd, dares persist what he believed, and has the courage to bring forth new ideas.

⑤句：“个性可以在那些行业精英什么身上得以体现”，注意which引导的非限定性定语从句修饰的是the characteristics of individuality，整个句子没有谓语，建议改为：The characteristics of individuality will be found out from anyone who has a great performance in his industry.这一句在意思和第二段更加接近，可以放在二段的开头，作为二段的总领句。

第二段点评

第二段列举相关事例，支撑自己的观点，符合directions的第二条。

①句：乔布斯是一个很好的例子，is a good case in point是常见表述。 6

②句：对人物的相关事件进行阐述，“休学”suspension of schooling。

③句：对事件的原因进行揭示，后面的表语从句揭示乔布斯休学的原因，是不喜欢自己的专业；be interested in“对……感兴趣”,在转换成被动语态时，in不能省略。没有unrelative这个单词，可用irrelevant“不相关的，无关的”来替换。

第三段点评

第三段针对前文的阐述，再次强调“个性”的重要作用，要走自己的路，不要随波逐流。incredible拼写错误。

总体点评

文章错误：句法错误：句型结构错误较多，句子主要成分残缺或重复，在语法角度上搭配不当。

修改意见：了解基本语法句型知识，避免简单的表达错误。先从简单句练起，掌握了基本写句能力后再练习复合句，循序渐进。多读多写多积累，提高语感，训练分析总结能力，增加写作可用素材。

参考分数（满分20分）：9分

修改展示

As the picture shows, to be individual means we should not be afraid to be different. Then, we can't help asking what is individuality? There are a sea of interpretations for it. Yet,from where I stand, individuality, a fashionable word and the spirit of the times, which means don't fall into the crowd, dares persist what he believed, and has the courage to bring forth new ideas. The characteristics of individuality will be found out from anyone who has a great performance in his industry.

Steven Jobs, a celebrated inventor and merchant who did much to change our life, is a good case in point. Interestingly, like Bill Gates, when Steven Jobs was nineteen, he chose suspension of schooling unexpectedly.He explained the reason, at the commencement of stanford in 2005, is that he was not interested in his major, so he decided to learn something he interested in, such as computer and art words, which seemed irrelevant while do have changed our life appearently.

Individuality, a terrific character, is indispensable for the elites. The incredible and unbelievable ideas spring from the individuality and originality, so you should go your own way, and don't drift with the tide.

二、因材施教

violinandmoon 2011年10月17日

写作原文

①As is vividly shown in the drawings, a mother duck is holding her child and asking a monkey teacher to teach her child----a little duck, to master the skill of climbing trees. ②The monkey teacher seems quite stunning to heard her words.

①This cartoon presented a thought-povoking phenomenon in our temporary society. ②As it knows to all, today's society is full of competition, therefore, the vast majority of parents urgent their children to learn more skills regardless of their talents and physical conditions, just as the mother duck request her child to learn how to climb trees. ③Moreover, this kind of behavior also brings trouble to teachers, for no matter how skillful the monkey teacher is, it is almost impossible for him to teach a duck who has not claws to climb trees.

①There is no denying that individuals should learn more skills, but it is important that one 7

should select a right way and correct direction. ②Specifically, parents should consider their children's talents and advantages when making decisions, so as to make full use of advantages and maximize the success, otherwise, they might waste time and achieve little success.



原作点评

第一段点评

首段描述漫画内容，鸭子妈妈希望猴子能教会自己的孩子爬树。

①句drawings应使用单数drawing。

②句stunning用得不错，比一般常用的surprised特别。不定式to后hear用动词原形。

第二段点评

二段结合现实分析漫画内涵，现在的家长让孩子学的很多东西已经超出了他们的接受范围。

①句present用一般现在时态。provoking拼写错误。our和temporary同时使用显得多余，使用一个即可。

②句句首应为固定表达as is known to us，表示“众所周知”。urgent为形容词，此处用法不对。request保持主谓一致。

③句for引导的原因状语从句用得不错，同时还嵌套了no matter引导的让步状语从句，为句子增加了亮点。第三段点评

末段针对漫画现象提出解决措施，总结全文。

①句固定搭配用法不错。

总体点评

文章错误：①用词错误：一二段在词汇单复数、时态和词性使用方面有明显错误。

②中式英语：二段①句末尾处错误是中式英语，表达啰嗦，注意语言简洁性。

③句法错误：二段②句句型结构错误，用错常见句型。

修改意见：写作时细心认真，避免最基本的词汇错误。锻炼英语表达思维，从范文常见句型总结规律。加强基本句型知识。

参考分数（满分20分）：10分

修改展示

As is vividly shown in the drawing, a mother duck is holding her child and asking a monkey teacher to teach her child----a little duck, to master the skill of climbing trees. The monkey teacher seems quite stunning to hear her words.

This cartoon presents a thought-provoking phenomenon in temporary society. As is known to us, today's society is full of competition, therefore, the vast majority of parents force their children to learn more skills regardless of their talents and physical conditions, just as the mother duck requests her child to learn how to climb trees. Moreover, this kind of behavior also brings trouble to teachers, for no matter how skillful the monkey teacher is, it is almost impossible for him to teach a duck who has not claws to climb trees.

There is no denying that individuals should learn more skills, but it is important that one should select a right way and correct direction. Specifically, parents should consider their children's talents and advantages when making decisions, so as to make full use of advantages and maximize the success, otherwise, they might waste time and achieve little success.

enen ~~我算是知道了
谢谢

多谢卤煮分享~~~

谢谢分享。

阿撒旦法打发