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标题: 【考研1号】“作文修改”活动——【第四期2005年真题“养老足球赛”+“啃老族”】 [打印本页]
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-11-1 17:12
标题: 【考研1号】“作文修改”活动——【第四期2005年真题“养老足球赛”+“啃老族”】
本帖最后由 考研1号编辑部 于 2013-11-4 14:12 编辑
由于考虑到很多考生周一到周五都比较忙，只有周六和周日有时间写作文，因此我们决定以后每周五下午发布新一期活动的话题，以留出充足的时间供大家写作练习。我们不只是对前三名以及后面的作文进行随机修改，并会尽量指出每个考生写作中存在的问题，给出相应的建议。欢迎大家踊跃参加，并鼓励大家互相修改与点评，共同学习和进步！
本期活动也提供两个话题，都与子女和父母的关系相关：一是2005年真题“养老足球赛”，二是《写作160篇》话题“啃老族”，大家择一来写。
话题一：2005年考研真题作文——“养老足球赛”
Directions:
Write an essay of 160-200 words based onthefollowing drawing. In your essay, you should
1.describe the drawing,
2. interpret its meaning,
3. give your comment on it.
You should write neatly on ANSWER SHEET2.(20 points)
[attach]290097[/attach]
话题二：《写作160篇》人际关系类——“啃老族”
Directions:
Write an essay of160-200 words based on the following drawing. In your essay, you should
1. describe the drawing briefly,
2. explain its meaning, and
3. suggest solution to thisproblem.
You should write neatly on ANSWERSHEET 2. (20 points)
[attach]290096[/attach]
免费考研论坛与考研1号联合发起“作文修改”活动要求地址：
【第一期活动地址】
【第二期活动地址】
【第三期活动地址】
http://bbs.freekaoyan.com/thread-842536-1-1.html
作者: 小椰 时间: 13-11-1 23:59
抢个沙发~~希望能有进步......选的第二题，辛苦老师了~
Isn't it ironic when a letter from a son to his father only covers one word—money? Just as the picture illustrates, the purpose of the brief letter written by a college student is nothing other than asking his father for more money. Given all this, I can’t help thinking of how upset the father might be.
Unfortunately, this kind of phenomenon is not uncommon nowadays among us college students. Young people go to universities, leaving their parents to run around for the tuition. However, their toil is easily neglected by their children who are so obsessed with the varied college life filled with societies, parties, and love affairs. Yet, are they actually too busy to spare any time for their parents? In general, the answer is no. At the time they are out of money after having fun, their parents who can be asked for money suddenly come up into their mind
It is imperative for us to take effective actions. Considering the complexity and specificity of this problem, enlightening youngsters’ awareness of respecting their parents might be a proper measure. To begin with, universities should offer students moral courses in order to cultivate their consciousness of caring for parents. In addition, related departments need to promote that keeping in touch with parents is a necessary way for young people to strengthen family bonds. Only by doing so can we curb this unharmonious phenomenon implicated in the picture.
作者: 五妖妖 时间: 13-11-2 05:33
本帖最后由 五妖妖 于 2013-11-4 05:54 编辑
抢三楼啦 写了第一篇 请老师批改~老师辛苦了~
因为距离考研时间有限，我写作文的能力又比较弱，我决定我还是走在模板中做出变化的路子
这篇以前写过一次，这次主要是实践一下老师说的“模板句的改写”，想把美丽的模板句化为己有^_^
As is shown above, a "football match" about supporting parents is going on. In the middle of the scene sits an old man, curling like a football sadly, while his sons and daughter guarding their gates in four corners respectively and all trying to kick their father away. The implication is not only informative, but instructive as well.
The drawing tells us the harmful phenomenon of moral decline which is prevailing nowadays. Some young people failed to take care of their parents, who raised them up and always love them most, which definitely is their responsibility. First of all, the past decades has witnessed an enormous development in the economy owing to the reform and opening-up policy being carried out, bringing the decline of morality as one of the serious problems at the same time. Last but not least, the ministry of education stresses too much on examination but barely pays attention to morality tuition.
The diseased situation being so serious, it's high time that we took concrete measures to put this on hold. To begin with, the corresponding laws and regulations should be introduced and enforced to curb and harness this urgent problem. what is more, the quality oriented education need to be emphasize, and we should attached importance to Chinese traditional virtues such as respect the old. Only in these ways, the aged can enjoy their life and attain happiness.
作者: Drift547 时间: 13-11-2 08:33
本帖最后由 Drift547 于 2013-11-2 22:32 编辑
选择的是第一个题目，又得麻烦老师修改了。这次限制了时间，大概用了35分钟左右。
It goes without saying that the picture aims at reflecting a current social problem：supporting parents is becoming a football match as the caption reads. In the drawing, the ageing father is kicked away from one child to the next, who regard their feeble parent as a football without compassion.
It is increasingly common for the young to ignorance their parents' need and pay no attention to the elder. Numerous factors have contributed to this phenomenon. On the one hand, with the rapidly development of economy, people are becoming addicted to substance and disregarded the morality. On the other hand, young children have to confront the strain andstress from the competitive world and they are too busy in doing their works to competent enough to take care of their parents. In addition, the morden world is becoming far more competitive than people could bear.
It is obvious that young children should look after their parents who have already made painstaking efforts to bring their children up. Therefore, effective measures must be taken to avoid this trend. First of all, an educational campaign must be launched to enchance their awareness of offering a good life to the elders. Secondly, relevant regulations and laws must be upgraded by authority to punish the men who abound their parents. Only in these ways can ageing parents live with happiness.
作者: arthashao 时间: 13-11-2 10:23
这回来迟了，不知道能不能赶上呢？ 选的第二个， 不管能不能改的到，还是多谢老师们的辛勤工作和无私奉献啦！！
What words would be described your feeling, when you expectantly receive a letter like the picture above, which conveys only one message that your child need money, if you are in the position of a parent? I think the majority of parents may choose to “finance” their “poor” babies willingly without any complaint.
It is indisputable that parents’ love to children is great and holy, but should we consider this question: Does youngsters rely on parents too much? Due to the policy of one child, every family regards the only one child as an apple of the eye and spares no efforts to meet his or her requirements, which shapes them into little emperors or princesses. Compared with the youths in the foreign families, our children are lack of practice in the society and seldom or even never help parents do housework, so it is hard for them to finish work
by themselves and adapt to the circumstance of society. Surely, it is impossible that they can understand how difficult to make money.
From what has been discussed above, only by parents’ and children’s efforts together can this situation be improved. Parents should be sensible enough to cultivate their offspring the awareness of independence, while the youths have an obligation to learn to how to live independently and relieve their parents’ burdens.
作者: 令十九 时间: 13-11-2 10:49
选题二
As is vividly depicted,in the middle of the picture lies a simple letter,written by a college student,indicating the requirement in money and the basic form of address.Obviously,the cartoon ,even though it is straightforward and uncomplicated,reveals a significant and momentous social phenomenon.
Relying on parents’ financial support,is a controversial topic,which is formed by a multitude of factors,among which are personality,family,school and so forth,in no country other than China.Above all, the students who are not independent of finance,are also not independent of their studying,living and work,that limit their individual development.What’s more,parents’indulging children does aggravate the appearance of this issue,impelling students taking for granted that parents provide money for them.In addition,the lack of schooling,related with cultivating students’ characteristic of success plays an integral role in students’ dependence.
Being confronted with such a complex phenomenon,it is of urgency for us to take measure to solve it personally,domestically and socially.Improving individual independent awareness,changing parents’attitudes of fending for children,and thus enhancing educational strength and building up related organizations,are all important to such issue.In this way,the boomerang kid phenomenon will be less and less in the near future.
作者: 悠弥北北 时间: 13-11-2 12:10
本帖最后由 悠弥北北 于 2013-11-2 13:50 编辑
好吧···来晚啦~放眼望去都是我们心理版的小伙伴啊~不知道能不能批改上了，老师辛苦啦~我这次试着拿自己总结的句子写的，尽量没有用模板句，不知道有没有好一点~多谢老师批改~老师辛苦啦~The NEET group has been the talk of the world ever since the beginning of the Twenty-First Century. As is depicted above, in the middle of the drawing is a letter from a college student， with no words except money, expressing an explicit meaning to his parents. The purpose of this cartoon is to ironize people named the NEET group who just rely on parents to support rather then get job or even look for job.
There are two reasons for the NEET groupˊs thriving. On the one hand, in some cases, parentsˊfondness lead to young peopleˊs laziness. Some parents who reply that We have only one child are missing the difference between fondness and protection. On the other hand, adult children fear to live independently and under pressure. Indeed, pressure usually leads to no good things—torture，depression and even suicide. But it can also be a positive force if it is successfully translated into mental power for maximum independence. For these reasons, the numbers of young NEETs people is increasing sustainably.
The young NEETs are not only burden their families, but also give negative effect to society. We have to take measures to curve this trend. Sometimes years are required for a person to become mature and independent. Parents must first impart independent awareness to their children. And then, children should go a step further, find a part time job in free time. To be sure, the future is not all rosy. But if we have enough preparation for the pressure of living, independence will not be so difficult to us.
作者: 西南—默默 时间: 13-11-2 12:35
悠弥北北 发表于 2013-11-2 12:10 
好吧···来晚啦~放眼望去都是我们心理版的小伙伴啊~不知道能不能批改上了，老师辛苦啦~我这次试着拿自己总 ...
不错不错 自己的句子写的挺不错的~~
作者: 悠弥北北 时间: 13-11-2 13:10
本帖最后由 悠弥北北 于 2013-11-2 13:13 编辑
西南—默默 发表于 2013-11-2 12:35
不错不错 自己的句子写的挺不错的~~
我会告诉你刚被阿甘批完吗？我写了两个小时···他说我这么写下去就等着挂吧···
作者: 西南—默默 时间: 13-11-2 15:24
悠弥北北 发表于 2013-11-2 13:10
我会告诉你刚被阿甘批完吗？我写了两个小时···他说我这么写下去就等着挂吧···
我除了觉得你的部分句子确实需要修改 去掉一些中式英语的感觉之后 没觉得有什么严重的问题啊
作者: 悠弥北北 时间: 13-11-2 15:29
西南—默默 发表于 2013-11-2 15:24
我除了觉得你的部分句子确实需要修改 去掉一些中式英语的感觉之后 没觉得有什么严重的问题啊
大神快帮我改改吧~就是写的慢···考场上写不出来，这个是大问题···
作者: 子书十二 时间: 13-11-2 17:21
本帖最后由 子书十二 于 2013-11-2 18:08 编辑
咦，没想到这么早就更新题目了。
来晚了，不过还是希望不是最晚的。
选的 题二：啃老族
The contents of the above drawing are pretty simple. There is an envelope from college. And there are only three Chinese characters in this letter: dad, money and son. Obviously, the meaning is a son demands his father to remit him some money.
Although, it seems like a terrible brief memo, the implication behind it is clear and profound enough to know that it reflects a social phenomenon. At present time, lots of young adults still live a life that relies on their parents as non-grown-up children, especially the students in universities. Surely they cannot afford their expensive tuition or keep up with the accelerated house price by their own hands; however, this cannot be an excuse for being childish and asking for financial backing without inhibitions.
I will always support the following means to solve this problem. Firstly, if the dependent ones are adults who have a job already, as parents, you should tell them honestly and insist that you cannot and will not offer financial support with no good reasons anymore. Moreover, if the ones are still youngster who have no source income, you should take regular talks about what future they would desire most and they should think about it seriously because you cannot instead them to live their own life. This could help them advance their independent personalities. I believe that these measures would work if they truly listen to you with all their hearts.
作者: 北逗七星 时间: 13-11-2 21:39
As is dipicted in the drawing above,an unfold letter which comes from a son to his father reads only
one word,money.Theenvelope under the letter implys that the son is a colledge boy.
The drawing vividly shows us a very common social phenomenon, the"NEET group".With a require
of the high academic background,more and more graduates from colledge are facing a severe job
hunting problem ,as a result,they lost their job or don't even have a chance to take one,and then
they turn back to their parents,who's getting old and,more or less, can't make enough money to
afford all necessary expense of the family,to ask for money.
As a colledge student,I think it's old enough to make money or at least spear no effort to do
something we can to help reducing a burden of the family,meanwhile,parents should try their best
not giving money to their kids all the time.Only in this way can they learn how to grow up and take
responsibilities.
(老师辛苦了，谢谢！)
作者: 黑眼圈olivia 时间: 13-11-2 23:42
才看到，明天马上写！老师要等我！
作者: 西南—默默 时间: 13-11-3 00:19
悠弥北北 发表于 2013-11-2 15:29
大神快帮我改改吧~就是写的慢···考场上写不出来，这个是大问题···
我手上还压着几个人的作文没改完呢~~
作者: 黑眼圈olivia 时间: 13-11-3 10:31
本帖最后由 黑眼圈olivia 于 2013-11-4 17:15 编辑
Of all the components of relationships, the relationship between parents and children is supposed to be unselfish and unconditional. However, what we see from the picture above that a brief letter from a son to a father, only has one word–"money" is exactly opposite. The picture mirrors a common phenomenon in current society that the young people especially colleagues are extremely dependent and self-centered, and they contact their parents only when they need money. There are several driving forces behind the phenomenon. For one thing, ever since the birth control, almost every family only has one child. The children already become precious to parents. Therefore, all the fertilizers ——attention, money, and love from parents are applied on one crop——their only child. For another, the young people are spoiled, and obsessed with their own comfort and benefits. Without hard-working attitude and excellent working skills, they have no choice but hide in their ivory tower their parents create.
As time goes by, without efficient strategies to solve this problem, the bad influence will sharply increase. The radical solution is to stop providing the all-around protection from parents for young people. The American can stand on their own when they are 18. Why cannot we? In addition, more education should be promoted to help the youth cultivate good quality like independence and piousness.
作者: 悠弥北北 时间: 13-11-3 11:31
西南—默默 发表于 2013-11-3 00:19
我手上还压着几个人的作文没改完呢~~
那好办啊~~~先压着他们的~~~改我的啊~~~也不枉咱们姐妹一场~~~
作者: 西南—默默 时间: 13-11-3 11:50
悠弥北北 发表于 2013-11-3 11:31
那好办啊~~~先压着他们的~~~改我的啊~~~也不枉咱们姐妹一场~~~
去shi 你最多也就是我的小弟 不着急的可以先发我邮箱~
作者: hankyoung1324 时间: 13-11-3 15:55
标题: 啃老族
本帖最后由 hankyoung1324 于 2013-11-4 16:38 编辑
来晚了，今年第一次写英语作文，感觉还没磨好刀，先就这篇了，老师我字写的不好，打分的时候请多扣几分，谢谢老师的批改！
This picture presents us an urgent letter sent by a young man in college to his father.Rather than concerning the work or health condition of his family,the son wrote for nothing besides asking for money.Just imagine the father's disappointment when he open the envelope and sees the excessively brief letter.
Nowadays,quite a few young men at an age of starting their own career and earning their livings themselves are still supported by the former genaration which themselves usually set out sustaining live without the help of other forces.Indeed,the society is becoming more and more competitive as it develops,but that couldn't be a legal excuse for young people including college students to seek economic help from family.Generally speaking,he problem may lie in themselves!College students are in a period of transition from university to society.Many students probably fail to prepare themselves enough for the future,thus relying on parents out of habit as bofore.For some,they aren't even aware of their social responsibilities and keep enjoying life just as they are kids.
作者: 投河自尽的虾 时间: 13-11-3 17:36
本帖最后由 投河自尽的虾 于 2013-11-15 14:19 编辑
没事来看看呗，要翻页了。
The given picture conveys a normal phenomenon in nowadays china which is children consider their parents as a burden,just like the cartoon depictd---four kids regard their own old father as a ball and they are kicking him far way form their own place.
How could this be? Economic downturn and unemployment may affects this poorly,but the main reason about the appearance is the moral deficiency,chasing their own interests become more crucial than take the responsibility for their parents,especially when chidren have their own kids,they will get lots of stuff to deal with,including take care of the food and clothing,studying,physical or psychological demands.
While government emphasizes the old people supporting issue----The old man cannot provide for themselves and old people's psychological demands,for example----some reasonable solution is,that regular old people's social security system,advertising the virtue of chinese,and I think things will gets better if we come together with one heart!
作者: 小椰 时间: 13-11-3 20:22
悠弥北北 发表于 2013-11-3 11:31
那好办啊~~~先压着他们的~~~改我的啊~~~也不枉咱们姐妹一场~~~
尘尘我们夫妻一场 不要这样对我 我作文还压在默默那呢
作者: 悠弥北北 时间: 13-11-3 20:34
小椰 发表于 2013-11-3 20:22
尘尘我们夫妻一场 不要这样对我 我作文还压在默默那呢
那让默妹先批你的，再批我的～其实我都没敢给他发﹉忽然发现﹉抢楼的都是心理版的﹉好忧桑
作者: 小椰 时间: 13-11-3 21:01
悠弥北北 发表于 2013-11-3 20:34
那让默妹先批你的，再批我的～其实我都没敢给他发﹉忽然发现﹉抢楼的都是心理版的﹉好忧桑
一眼望去...全是心理版的。话说那个实验设计的活动还在继续么..我想做做实验设计了
作者: 悠弥北北 时间: 13-11-3 21:16
小椰 发表于 2013-11-3 21:01
一眼望去...全是心理版的。话说那个实验设计的活动还在继续么..我想做做实验设计了
你设计呗~设计完了我们帮你看看么
作者: 小椰 时间: 13-11-3 21:36
悠弥北北 发表于 2013-11-3 21:16
你设计呗~设计完了我们帮你看看么
么~~前几个星期的可以做么~
作者: 悠弥北北 时间: 13-11-3 22:34
小椰 发表于 2013-11-3 21:36
么~~前几个星期的可以做么~
可以哒~
作者: 独孤悠 时间: 13-11-3 23:07
我又来了，感觉这次通顺点
In college, what is the most when you talk to parents by telephone or letter? Did you like the picture above depicts, a letter with only three words—father, money and son. Actually, it is occurred not only in students, as well as adults who had worked. They are not in education, employment or training (NEET), depend on parents to live.
The thought-provoking drawing mirrors a common phenomenon in contemporary society that the youths are lack of live ability. In our country, almost every family only has one baby, he will be regard as a jewel. Everyone in the family, especially parents will to do all the things, which can help the child. In such a traditional, person who is child or adult all used to rely on parents. And most parents also used to provide help and “protect” their child. Moreover, there is not much emotional expression within parents and their children, in our country.
It seems to me that changing needs work together. Parents should let the youths to go by himself, while the youths should learned how to live independent. And they, as individuals, embrace more promising prospect.
作者: _Psyche 时间: 13-11-3 23:50
早知道这次的养老足球 就发上来等批了。。。等下次！~
作者: 黑眼圈olivia 时间: 13-11-4 08:04
_Psyche 发表于 2013-11-3 23:50
早知道这次的养老足球 就发上来等批了。。。等下次！~
现在一样可以发吧，老师会批的
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-11-4 11:06
本帖最后由 考研1号编辑部 于 2013-11-4 11:11 编辑
小椰 发表于 2013-11-1 23:59
抢个沙发~~希望能有进步......选的第二题，辛苦老师了~
Isn't it ironic when a letter from a son to h ...
写作原文
Isn't it ironic when（此处用that较好，如若用when，则改为Isn’t it ironic when a father receives a letter from his son only to find it merely covers…?）a letter from a son to his father only covers one word—money? Just as the picture illustrates, the purpose of the brief letter written by a college student is nothing other than asking his father for more money. Given all this, I can’t help thinking of how upset the father might be.
(第一段点评：相比较作者前两期活动用As is shown above和In the middle of the picture这两种较为普通和常见的描述图画方式，本文用一个疑问句引出图画内容，然后用Just as the picture illustrates再次深化图意，后面陈述自己的感受，不仅相对新颖，语句之间的衔接也很好。)
Unfortunately, this kind of phenomenon is not uncommon nowadays among us college students. Young people go to universities, leaving their parents to run around for the tuition. However, their toil is easily neglected by their children（前一句的主语是Young people,其their 指的是“年轻人的”，而此句忽然把their变为了“父母的”，虽然读者可以理解，但是为了前后代词指代保持一致，改为：their parents’ toil is…by them）who are so obsessed with the varied college life filled with societies, parties, and love affairs. Yet, are they actually too busy to spare any time for their parents? In general, the answer is no. At the time they are out of money after having fun, their parents who can be asked for money suddenly come up into their mind.
（第二段点评：本段主要是深化描述现象，并透露出现象产生的部分原因，这与一些文章第二段仅仅是重复第一段来说明现象不同，此种描述比较有内容且具有一定深度。需注意，文章第一段只是描述图画，第二段提及this kind of phenomenon，但并没有明确点明现象。）
It is imperative for us to take effective actions. Considering the complexity and specificity of this problem, enlightening youngsters’ awareness of respecting their parents might be a proper measure. To begin with, universities should offer students moral courses in order to cultivate their consciousness of caring for parents. In addition, related departments need to promote（最好加上the notion）that keeping in touch with parents is a necessary way for young people to strengthen family bonds. Only by doing so can we curb this unharmonious phenomenon implicated in the picture.
（第三段点评：文章第三段给出如何解决此问题的建议，先总说加强意识，然后从学校和相关部门两方面进行分述。逻辑清晰，条理分明。）
总体点评
作者的行文构篇能力、语法基础、衔接技巧以及写作文笔都很好。需注意：
1. 文章字数稍微有一点儿多，本文有239个字，而考研英语一大纲要求字数在160—200字之间，可以适当超出一点儿，但最好控制在10到20字之内。
2. 在今后的写作中描述图画后要点明现象，最好不要用类似this kind of phenomenon之类的表述来模糊意指。
3. 话题是“啃老族”，图画的焦点在于“钱”，主要揭示的现象是已经具备谋生能力的年轻人依然依靠父母生活，同时也反映出子女与父母的关系淡化。作者把重点放在了后者，这一点从文章第三段的建议措施方面可以很清楚地获知，而对于前者阐述部分却较少。为了避免不必要的争议，在写作时最好抓住话题揭示的主要矛盾来写。
总之，对比前两次活动的作文，作者在语法、内容以及引出图画的技巧方面都有了很大的进步，虽然还存在个别问题，但是我相信只要你能够坚持努力，一定能写出更好的文章，加油！
参考分数（满分20分）：14
考研1号编辑部
2013年 11月4日
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-11-4 11:15
_Psyche 发表于 2013-11-3 23:50
早知道这次的养老足球 就发上来等批了。。。等下次！~
亲，发上来吧，我们会兼顾所有发送作文的考生，尽力指出每个人写作中存在的问题，期待看到你的习作哦
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-11-4 11:22
本帖最后由 考研1号编辑部 于 2013-11-4 11:23 编辑
北逗七星 发表于 2013-11-2 21:39
As is dipicted in the drawing above,an unfold letter which comes from a son to his father reads o ...
发现新面孔一只，欢迎欢迎[t:12]亲，请耐心等待，在修改到你的作文之前可以看看其他考生的作文批改，吸取对自己有益的方面，并对比自己的写作看看是不是也存在类似的问题，先进行自我修改，这对于自己写作的提高也很有帮助哦[a:38]
作者: 北逗七星 时间: 13-11-4 14:59
考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-11-4 11:22
发现新面孔一只，欢迎欢迎亲，请耐心等待，在修改到你的作文之前可以看看其他考生的作文批改， ...
好的好的，谢谢老师，给老师卖个萌●_●
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-11-4 15:12
本帖最后由 考研1号编辑部 于 2013-11-4 15:17 编辑
五妖妖 发表于 2013-11-2 05:33
抢三楼啦 写了第一篇 请老师批改~老师辛苦了~
因为距离考研时间有限，我写作文的能力又比较弱，我决定我还 ...
写作原文
As is shown above, a"football match" about supporting parents is going on. In the middle of the scene sits an old man, curling like a football sadly, while his sons and daughter guarding their gates in four corners respectively and all trying to kick their father away（此句中while是一个连词，连接两个句子，但是后面这个句子缺少谓语动词。可改为“while his sons and daughter guarding…respectively are all trying to…”此句中guarding…respectively为现在分词短语作后置定语；也可改为“while his sons and daughter are guarding …respectively and trying to…”，此句中guarding和trying为并列成分）. The implication is not only informative, but instructive as well.
(第一段点评：文章对于图画的描述非常巧妙，先用一个倒装句引出图画的焦点——“足球”老父亲，后用while这个表示转折的连词提及四周的儿女，采用从中间到四周的顺序来描述。最后套用一个模板句型，但由于前面写得较好，给人套用巧妙的感觉。)
The drawing tells us the harmful phenomenon of moral decline which is prevailing nowadays. Some young people failed（改为fail，描述一般普遍现象多用相应的现在时态）to take care of their parents, who raised（raise）them up and always love them most, which definitely is their responsibility. First of all, the past decades has（have，主语decades是复数）witnessed an（去掉，development作“发展”意讲不可数）enormous development in the economy owing to the reform and opening-up policy being carried out, bringing the decline of morality as one of the serious problems at the same time. Last but not least, the ministry of education stresses too much on examination but barely pays attention to morality tuition（moral education或者ethics education）.
(第二段点评：本段先点明现象——moral decline，然后具体阐述现象，之后讨论此现象产生的原因，思路清晰。不足之处在于：首先，文章虽然采用了First of all和Last but not least这两个衔接词，但是前面是说明现象，后面解释原因，之间没有过渡衔接，并且Last but not least多用于三者或三者以上；此外，中间the past decades…owing to the reform and…虽然对于模板稍做改述，但是此模板最大的弊病不是因为很多人都在使用，而是在于它本身空洞无内容。将所有问题都归于“改革开放”带来的负面影响，难免让人心生厌倦。)
The diseased situation being so serious, it's high time that we took concrete measures to put this on hold（on hold意为“推迟、中断”，言下之意是还会继续，因此用在这里不合适，可改为put an end to this）. To begin with, the corresponding laws and regulations should be introduced and enforced to curb and harness this urgent problem. what is more, the quality oriented (quality-oriented) education need to be emphasize (emphasized),and we should attached (attach,情态动词后跟动词原形) importance to Chinese traditional（注意语序，traditional Chinese）virtues such as respect (respecting) the old. Only in these ways,the aged can enjoy their life and attain happiness. (Only位于句首且强调状语时，后面主句要导装，改为Only in these ways, can the aged enjoy…)
(第三段点评：文章最后一段采用列举建议措施结尾，内容充实，衔接较好。需注意相关的语法问题，尤其是末尾的倒装句，本应成为文章的亮点而不是煞笔。)
总体点评
文章思路清晰，内容层次分明，尤其在描述图画的顺序方面非常精彩。需注意以下几点：
1. 文章存在语法问题：①句子缺少谓语动词；②个别地方时态的选用不是很合适；③主谓不一致；④名词的可数与不可数不清；⑤被动语态的形式有误；⑥情态动词后跟成分使用错误；⑦多个形容词修饰同一名词时形容词的顺序有误；⑧such as的用法不清；⑨only倒装句没有掌握好。
2. 作者想尝试通过改述模板的方式来把模板转化为自己的所属，这一点值得鼓励。但应注意：一篇文章中不要出现太多模板句子，即便经过改写，还是能够看出痕迹；应用的模板对于文章应该具有画龙点睛的作用，不要单纯模仿一些没有实际内容的模板句式。
3. 文章的一些语句之间缺少过渡。
4. 个别表达不够精准。
总之，相比较之前的作文，作者已经取得了一定的进步。接下来仍需加强自己的语法基础，并要十分细心。此外，注意一篇文章中不要出现太多模板句式，巧妙换化及使用少量模板句子方能起到锦上添花的作用，不然只会适得其反。有付出就有收获，加油，祝你考研成功！
参考分数（满分20分）：11
考研1号编辑部
2013年 11月4日
作者: 五妖妖 时间: 13-11-4 15:24
考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-11-4 15:12
写作原文 As is shown above, a"football match" about supporting parents is going on. ...
谢谢老师的批改和点评 Only那儿又错了。。这次那里确实是粗心了
语法那边。。我属于各种语法傻傻分不清楚，一用就是错T T
这周准备重新练作文，我会认真参照老师的意见，希望下次来写的时候可以有所改进~
作者: 五妖妖 时间: 13-11-4 15:32
老师，我想提问~
像我第二段里写完现象后想要写现象原因，应该要用一个过渡句过渡对吗？比如，This phenomenon owing to some following significant reasons.这样吗？
谢谢
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-11-4 15:50
五妖妖 发表于 2013-11-4 15:32
老师，我想提问~
像我第二段里写完现象后想要写现象原因，应该要用一个过渡句过渡对吗？比如，This phenom ...
现象和原因之间采用过渡句衔接，使内容前后逻辑更严谨。可以用诸如你说的 This phenomenon owns to ...,也可以采用设问的形式，自问自答。总之，英语是一种比较注重逻辑的语言，句与句之间的衔接最好能够体现出句意之间的关系，因此衔接词和其他的衔接技巧对于文章起着非常重要的作用，合理使用，能够为文章增色哦
作者: 小椰 时间: 13-11-4 20:15
考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-11-4 11:06
写作原文 Isn't it ironic when（此处用that较好，如若用when，则改为Isn’t it ironic w ...
老师辛苦啦~~还要继续加油[t:12]
作者: _Psyche 时间: 13-11-4 23:13
本帖最后由 _Psyche 于 2013-11-4 23:17 编辑
考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-11-4 11:15
亲，发上来吧，我们会兼顾所有发送作文的考生，尽力指出每个人写作中存在的问题，期待看到你的习作哦[s:2 ...
很厚颜无耻的把很水的一篇文章发上来！！！下次一定会进步很多！要对得起自己和那些对我好的人！谢谢老师！！！
What can we search from this picture ? An old and poor father rolling up a football in a football field and his four children each of them stands in a different corner are playing a "football match".
The purpose of the drawing is to show us that the utmost importance should be attached to ill-treat the aged citizens . To begin with , supporting old and helpless parents are not only individuals' duties but also one of thousands of our Chinese' traditional virtues . The person who not supporting the old will despise by others . In addition , the man who maintain parents will bring a good symbol to their children . So that after they grown old and retired will be taken good care of their children and do not worry about where to live and how to support daily life .
It is crucial for us to take some drastic measure to deal with the certain current evil phenomenon reveled in the picture . Firstly , our country and some institutions should be made some laws and regulations to punish those who are irresponsibilities of their parents . Secondly , we should cultivate the awareness of respect and look after the old to the young . I am convinced that only in this way can we contain the current evil phenomenon in the picture and our society will wonderful !
作者: dora19910505 时间: 13-11-4 23:45
本帖最后由 dora19910505 于 2013-11-4 23:46 编辑
As is apparently drawn in the cartoon,four individuals are playing not a cheerfully "football match" but a tragedy, for the reason that the "ball" is their old father. To escape the responsibility of taking cares of the old. One kicks the "ball" to another who just keep the same mind. So the poor father can't find a comfortable home to live in and intimate children to live with at last.
Reflecting an authentic phenomenon in our society, how ironic the drawing is. They, not only sons and daughters in the picture but also people behave similar around us, may find out various excuses such as high pressure of life, the poor economic situation, lack of energy and so forth. In a word, standing in their point of view,their brothers and sisters are more suitable than them to take care of parents.
In my personal sense, it is high time to take a serious measure to prevent the expansion of the phenomenon mentioned. Taking care of the old is a traditional virtue of Chinese, and laws can be used. Moreover building more, old people's home may be a moderate way and can solve the surface problem.
作者: 五妖妖 时间: 13-11-5 07:00
考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-11-4 15:50
现象和原因之间采用过渡句衔接，使内容前后逻辑更严谨。可以用诸如你说的 This phenomenon owns to ...
owns这里又错了。。我悲伤的语法。。
不能再犯这种低级错误了~！
谢谢老师指点~~~
作者: zjf517 时间: 13-11-5 08:26
看大家写的都这么好真羡慕啊，看来我还得努力呀
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-11-5 17:21
本帖最后由 考研1号编辑部 于 2013-11-5 17:27 编辑
Drift547 发表于 2013-11-2 08:33
选择的是第一个题目，又得麻烦老师修改了。这次限制了时间，大概用了35分钟左右。 It goes without sayi ...
写作原文
It goes without saying that the picture aims at reflecting a current social problem：supporting parents is becoming a football match as the caption reads. In the drawing, the ageing father is kicked away from one child to the next,who regard their feeble parent as a football without compassion.
（第一段点评：与很多文章先描述图画后揭示现象的方式不同，本文先说明图画反映的现象再具体描述图画，虽然运用了It goes without saying that…这一很多人都在使用的模板句式，但作者处理巧妙，语意衔接自然，语流顺畅。）
It is increasingly common for the young to ignorance（改为ignore，前面的to是动词不定式符号，后面应该跟动词原形而不是名词）their parents' need and pay no attention to the elder.Numerous factors have contributed to this phenomenon. On the one hand, with the rapidly (修饰名词用形容词，改为rapid) development of economy, people are becoming addicted to substance and disregarded （此处与are并列，应使用原形）the morality（此处使用tend to put profit before ethics较好）. On the other hand, young children（young people较准确） have to confront the strain and stress from the competitive world and they are too busy in doing their works to competent enough to（去掉） take care of their parents. In addition, the morden world is becoming far more competitive than people could bear.
（第二段点评：本段主要阐述现象产生的原因。不足之处在于：首先，由于缺少相应的过渡，其与上一段衔接不是很紧密。可用类似于“How outrageous those young men are to treat their father like a nasty thing! Yet it is increasingly common for …”之类的表达来过渡。其次，在分析具体的原因时，第二点已经提到“young children have to confront the strain and stress from the competitive world”，第三点又说“the morden world is becoming far more competitive than people could bear”，此两者不属于同一个层次，事实上，第三点是第二点的原因。）
It is obvious that young children（young people） should look after their parents who have already made painstaking efforts to bring their children（前面的their指的是“年轻人的”，而此处又指代“父母的”，前后不一致，改为them） up. Therefore, effective measures must be taken to avoid this trend. First of all, an educational campaign must be launched to enchance（enhance） their awareness of offering a good life to the elders. Secondly, relevant regulations and laws must be upgraded by authority to punish the men who abound（abandon，细心）their parents. Only in these ways can ageing parents live with happiness.
（第三段点评：文章最后一段列出自己的建议措施，虽然套用的是模板句式，但相对而言比较有具体的内容，不过对于模板的套用也应该适度及适量。由于第二段已经分析出了造成此种现象的原因，因此第三段最好能够针对原因给出相应的建议，这样使得文章层次分明、逻辑严谨。）
总体点评
文章在构思、谋篇以及内容方面没有大的问题，第一段描写较为出彩，提升了文章的印象分。作者仍需注意:
1. 文章有语法问题：①词语的词性使用有误（不定式后跟成分错误以及名词前词语词性错误）；②对于and的用法未掌握好；③物主代词前后指代不一致。
2. 文章句子之间的衔接较好，但需注意段与段之间的过渡和衔接。
3. 文章个别地方语句之间的逻辑应该更加严谨。
4. 文章有单词拼写错误，有的单词由于粗心错写成其它单词。
5. 文章一些词语选用和表达不是很精准。
因此，作者仍需复习巩固相关的语法知识，仔细严谨，避免出现不必要的低级错误。此外，在组织篇章以及表达时仔细斟酌，使段落的衔接趋于自然紧密、语言表意趋向精准，并逐渐在阅读中提升自己的英语思维。有付出就有收获，加油，祝你考研成功！
参考分数（满分20分）：12
考研1号编辑部
2013年 11月5日
作者: Drift547 时间: 13-11-5 18:51
考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-11-5 17:21
写作原文 It goes without saying that the picture aims at reflecting a current socia ...
第三篇终于有值得肯定的地方了，语法一直是我的老大难问题，我一定继续努力改正，期待下一期能有提高。最最重要的是要谢谢老师的细致修改，谢谢考研一号！
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-11-6 15:26
本帖最后由 考研1号编辑部 于 2013-11-6 16:05 编辑
北逗七星 发表于 2013-11-2 21:39
As is dipicted in the drawing above,an unfold letter which comes from a son to his father reads o ...
写作原文
As is dipicted（depicted）in the drawing above, an unfold（改为unfolded，unfold是动词） letter which comes from a son to his father reads only one word, money. The envelope under the letter implys（implies）that the son is a colledge（college）boy.
（第一段点评：文章开篇描述图画内容，虽然用字较少，但包含图画所有信息，简明扼要且语言流畅。）
The drawing vividly shows us avery common social phenomenon, the "NEETgroup"（前面说的是现象，而后面却是“群体”，逻辑不通。改为 that the NEET group is becoming increasingly larger than before nowadays 或者that there emerge a group of people called NEET with the development of the society更为合理）. With a require of the high academic background（注意冠词的使用以及词语的词性，改为With the requirement of high academic background）, more and more graduates from colledge （colleges）are facing a severe job hunting problem ,as a result, they lost（时态前后不一致，改为lose） their job or don't even have a chance to take one, and then they turn back to their parents, who's （前面主语parents为复数，为了保持主谓一致改为who are）getting old and, more or less, can't make enough money to afford all necessary expense of the family, to ask for money. (最后一句太长，可组织为：With the requirement of high academic background and abilities, an ever-increasing group of college students are facing a“grave” employment situation, which leads to them being disappointed and frustrated in hunting jobs. As a result, quite a few graduates are prone to seek help from their helpless parents who are unable to make enough money to afford all the necessities of the family as time goes by.)
(第二段点评：本段从分析现象原因的角度入手，来展开文章内容。不足之处在于，作者只提及一个客观原因——就业形势难，缺少其他角度（比如学生自身以及家长的心理）的论述，因此文章的内容不够充实。)
As a colledge （college） student, I think it's (代词使用有误，改为we are) old enough to make money or at least spear (spare) no effort to do something we can to help reducing（help后面加do或者to do，改为reduce）a burden of the family, meanwhile, parents should try their best not giving（try to do为“尽力做……”，try doing为“尝试”，前面用了try their best，可知作者想表达“尽力”之意，因此改为give） money to their kids all the time. Onlyin this way can they learn how to grow up and take responsibilities.（第一句太长，且刚开始指代学生用“we”，指代家长用“their”，后来又指代学生为“they”，代词前后指代不一致。可表述为：As a college student, I think we are old as well as capable enough to earn money, thus we should spare no effort to share the burden of family expenses. Meanwhile, parents should try their best to let go of their children who may surprise them with independence in the end. Only in these ways , can we college students truly grow up and take responsibilities.）
（第三段点评：作者在文章的最后一段列出了建议和措施。需要注意的是，在文章的第二段，作者提出造成现象的原因是客观的就业形势，但是在第三段列举建议时却是从学生和家长的角度进行分析，前后的逻辑不严谨。按照“发现问题——分析原因——根据原因有针对地进行解决”这一思路，文章在最后提出建议时应该根据原因有的放矢地提出解决方法。）
总体点评
作者的行文思路以及谋篇能力都没有什么问题。需注意：
1. 文章只有161个字，虽然达到了考研英语一的要求（160—200），但是较悬，文章的字数控制在180—210之间较好。
2. 作者喜欢写长句（“一逗到底”），但句子不是越长越好，而应该长短错落有致。
3. 文章有语法错误：词语词性使用错误，动词单三形式的特殊变化有误，时态前后不一致，主谓不一致，代词前后指代不一致以及其他细节语法错误。
4. 文章有好几处单词拼写错误。
5. 文章一些地方逻辑不是很严谨。
因此，作者应该注意文章前后内容的逻辑，复习与巩固相关的语法知识，加强单词记忆且着重关注词语的词性，并注意断句。此外，写作时应该细心，写完后多加检查，避免不必要的失误。只要有付出就一定会有收获，加油，祝你考研成功！
参考分数（满分20分）：10
考研1号编辑部
2013年 11月6日
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-11-6 15:39
由于此次提交作文的同学较多，所以我们决定在修改前三篇的基础上，在后面的作文里先修改第一次提交的，以求尽力指出每个考生写作中出现的问题。没有修改到的同学不要沮丧，先对比其他考生的习作点评自行修改，并从中获取对自己有益的方面。后期如果时间充裕，我们会尽量对每篇作文进行修改，恳请大家理解和见谅。考研1号编辑部在此祝大家作文进步，考研成功！
作者: 黑眼圈olivia 时间: 13-11-6 17:30
考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-11-6 15:39
由于此次提交作文的同学较多，所以我们决定在修改前三篇的基础上，在后面的作文里先修改第一次提交的[/ ...
老师最近这么忙吗？！！
好伤心！！
作者: Drift547 时间: 13-11-7 18:55
考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-11-6 15:39
由于此次提交作文的同学较多，所以我们决定在修改前三篇的基础上，在后面的作文里先修改第一次提交的[/ ...
老师第五期啥时候发出来？
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-11-8 09:43
本帖最后由 考研1号编辑部 于 2013-11-8 09:50 编辑
hankyoung1324 发表于 2013-11-3 15:55
来晚了，今年第一次写英语作文，感觉还没磨好刀，先就这篇了，老师我字写的不好，打分的时候请多扣几分，谢 ...
写作原文
This picture presents us an urgent letter sent by a young man in college to his father. Rather than concerning the work or health condition of his family, the son wrote for nothing besides asking for money. Just imagine the father's disappointment when he open (首先，如用一般现在时，则主谓不一致，改为opens; 然而，描述图画一般用现在时态，但前面wrote用的是过去式，而仔细观察图片，信封是被撕开的，由此推知父亲已经看过信，且须与前面时态保持一致，因此改为opened) the envelope and sees (saw) the excessively brief letter.
（第一段点评：本段描述图画内容，层次分明，条理清晰。首先用This picture presents us an urgent letter引出图画的主体——信，且用sent by…过去分词短语作后置定语初步描述此信。然后用rather than句子指出信的内容，同时也透漏出为什么这封信会引发争议。最后一句话引人深思，并暗示此现象惹人担忧。）
Nowadays, quite a few young men at an age of starting their own career and earning their livings themselves are still supported by the former genaration( generation，细心) which themselves usually set out sustaining live （self-sustaining life ，注意词意和词性）without the help of other forces. Indeed, the society is becoming more and more competitive as it develops, but that couldn't be a legal excuse for young people including college students to seek economic help（economic指“国家、地区或社会经济的、经济上的、经济学的”，用在这里不合适，改为living support较贴切） from family. Generally speaking, he(the,细心) problem may lie in themselves! College students are in a period of transition from university to society. Many students probably fail to prepare themselves enough for the future, thus relying on parents out of habit as bofore（before，细心）. For some, they aren't even aware of their social responsibilities and keep enjoying life just as they are kids.
（第二段点评：本段分析现象产生的原因——责任在于孩子自身。前面先承认客观因素“社会竞争激烈”的存在，但后面辩证地指出这并不能成为孩子推卸责任的借口，随后又具体阐述孩子自身的一些弊病。这一辩证看待问题的视角以及阐述原因的方式很好。此外，本段的另一大优点在于使用了一些合适的衔接词巧妙地体现出前后语句的逻辑关系。唯一让人惋惜的是文章没有下文，论述不完整。）
总体点评
作者分析和阐述问题的逻辑思维比较缜密，因此文章的内容很有条理且语句之间的衔接很好。但是：
1. 此文最大的败笔在于这是一篇不完整的作文。不仅是由于文章在形式上只写了两段，不符合考研英语作文三段式的一般形式；更重要的原因在于文章论述到一半时忽然停笔，整篇文章没有结尾。作者行文的思路是“描述现象——分析现象原因”，后面缺少“针对原因给出建议措施或者预示现象趋势”这一部分。
2. 文章有语法错误，when he open体现出作者在主谓一致以及时态的选用方面出现问题，同时也折射出作者观察图片不够细致；sustaining live表现出作者在选用词语时只关注词意而忽视了词性。
3. 注意一些词语具体的用法，此处指词语出现的语境economic help。
4. 文章有好几处单词拼写错误，应该细心。
因此，作者的写作实力应该不错，在今后的写作中一定要保证文章的完整性。此外，注意一些细节语法问题并要细心，且记单词时注意单词词性以及出现的语境。有付出就有收获，我相信你只要针对自己的问题努力，一定能写出很好的文章，加油，祝你考研成功！
参考分数（满分20分）：6
考研1号编辑部
2013年 11月8日
作者: arthashao 时间: 13-11-8 09:46
5555~~估计改不到我的了，下次得早点交了。。。
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-11-8 09:57
黑眼圈olivia 发表于 2013-11-6 17:30
老师最近这么忙吗？！！
好伤心！！
真的很不好意思，由于现在到了复习准备的冲刺阶段，因此我们考研1号编辑部也有很多事情需要处理，恳请见谅！后期有时间的话一定会帮助大家修改已经提交的作文，大家现在需要做的是先针对自己已经暴露出来的问题努力改善，并对比其他考生的写作，取长补短。加油，祝你考研成功哦[t:12]
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-11-8 10:00
Drift547 发表于 2013-11-7 18:55
老师第五期啥时候发出来？
第五期还是按照原计划，在周五下午（也就是今天下午哦）发布，只是由于发送作文的考生太多，加之我们考研1号编辑部最近有很多问题需要处理，因此可能不会逐一修改。但我们会尽量指出每个考生存在的问题，后期如果有时间一定会对已经提交的作文进行修改。恳请大家见谅！
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-11-8 10:04
arthashao 发表于 2013-11-8 09:46
5555~~估计改不到我的了，下次得早点交了。。。
真的很不好意思，由于现在提交作文的考生越来越多，加之现在到了复习准备的冲刺阶段，我们考研1号编辑部也有很多事情需要处理，所以不能逐一为大家修改作文，恳请您的谅解！不过，你的写作能力很好，所作文章很有范文的风采。相信你只要细心，重视一些细小的问题，一定能取得很好的成绩，加油哦[t:12]
作者: 悠弥北北 时间: 13-11-8 11:16
555~~时间质量两难全啊···抢到楼一着急就写不好，好忧伤···不过还是多谢老师了~
作者: 黑眼圈olivia 时间: 13-11-8 11:18
考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-11-8 09:57
真的很不好意思，由于现在到了复习准备的冲刺阶段，因此我们考研1号编辑部也有很多事情需要处理，恳请 ...
老师，我买了考研一号的书，知道你们提供修改论文的服务，发到你们邮箱可以帮我修改吧T^T
觉得老师修改的很好，舍不得你T^T
作者: 笔为剑 时间: 13-11-8 11:54
悠弥北北 发表于 2013-11-8 11:16
555~~时间质量两难全啊···抢到楼一着急就写不好，好忧伤···不过还是多谢老师了~
考场上哪有那么多时间让你慢慢想？现在就是要多练，质量和速度都要提高。要是在考场上不能按时写完，丢分就丢大了。
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-11-8 13:19
本帖最后由 考研1号编辑部 于 2013-11-8 13:26 编辑
_Psyche 发表于 2013-11-4 23:13
很厚颜无耻的把很水的一篇文章发上来！！！下次一定会进步很多！要对得起自己和那些对我好的人！谢谢老师！ ...
写作原文
What can we search from thispicture ? An old and poor father rolling up a football（老父亲蜷缩成足球状，并不是“卷起一个足球”，因此可改为curling/curledup like a football） in afootball field and his four children each of them stands in a different corner are playing a "football match".(一个句子出现两个谓语动词stands和are，且句子成分混乱。可改为Four children who stand in a different corner of the football field respectively are playing a“football match”, with their father curling/curled up as the “football”.或者Four children…are playing a “football match”.And the football they are playing , to our great surprise, is their aged father.)
（第一段点评：文章先用一个疑问句提问，然后引出图画的内容，此方式较好，需注意相关的语法问题。）
The purpose of the drawing is to show us that the utmost importance should be attached to ill-treat the aged citizens(前面的to是介词，后面跟名词、动名词等，而ill-treat是动词。改为：the problem of ill-treating the aged) . To begin with , supporting old and helpless parents are (is) not only individuals' duties but also one of thousands of our Chinese' traditional (首先，Chinese即有“中国的、中国人的”意思，其无所有格形式；第二，注意语序。改为traditional Chinese) virtues. The person who not supporting (who引导person的定语从句，此处应为从句中的谓语动词，改为doesn’t support) the old will despise（使用被动形式be despised）by others . In addition,(In addition表示增补，用在这里不合适，改为Meanwhile或者While) the man who maintain(首先，主语the man是单数，而谓语动词maintain是复数，主谓不一致；其次,赡养老人用maintain不合适。由于后面用的their是复数，因此改为themen who support) (加their) parents will bring a good symbol（中式思维，改为set a good example）to their children . So that(so that表目的时，在正式的文体中不能位于句首，可以用Thus) after they grown old and retired will be taken good care of their children and do not worry about where to live and how to support dailylife . ( 句子混乱，使得will be taken…缺少主语，且their children前缺少by；此外，个别时态选取不合理。改为they will be taken good care of by their children and don’t need to worry about where to live and how to support their daily life after they grow old and retire.)
（第二段点评：与其他考生分析现象产生原因不同，作者给我们提供了一个新的切入问题的视角——赡养老人的重要性。首先，作者正面描述，指出这既是年轻人的义务，也是中华传统美德之一；其次，作者通过对比不赡养老人的后果以及赡养老人可以带来良好的循环，侧面说明了赡养老人的重要性。通过正面直接和侧面间接的分析以及正反两面的对比，赡养老人的重要性不言自喻。论证方法巧妙多变，使人印象深刻。）
It is crucial for us to take some drastic measure（measures）to deal with the certain current evil phenomenon reveled in the picture . Firstly , our country and some institutions should be made(应为主动，改为make) some laws and regulations to punish those who are irresponsibilities （此处应用形容词而不是名词，改为irresponsible）of （to）their parents . Secondly , we should cultivate the awareness of respect（of是介词，所以改为respecting）and look（looking）after the old to the young. I am convinced that only in this way can we contain the current evil phenomenon in the picture and our society will wonderful（首先，and是连词，在此连接两个并列的句子，因此后面也应该倒装；其次，wonderful是形容词，前应该接系动词。因此改为will our society be wonderful）!
（第三段点评：文章最后一段同样采用列举建议措施的方式结尾，从法律和意识两方面进行叙述，后又用倒装句说明此举的重要性，属于很典型的考研英语结题方式。）
总体点评
文章最大的优点在于其切入视角相对独特、论述方法多变，且文章结构和内容完整、思路清晰。作者需注意两点问题:
1. 文章有不少语法问题：一个句子出现两个谓语动词、句子成分混乱、to作介词和作不定式符号混淆、主谓不一致、多个形容词修饰同一名词时形容词顺序错误、谓语动词和非谓语动词不明晰、被动时态及其形式未掌握、名词单复数有误、词语词性使用错误、介词后跟成分不清、and的用途没完全掌握等。
2. 个别衔接词使用不恰当，需清楚语句之间的关系以及衔接词的具体用法。
3. 文章一些地方受到汉语影响，表达不恰当或者不地道。
因此，建议作者目前的首要任务是全面复习语法知识，巩固自己的语法基础——可以先从句子的成分、五个基本句型、主谓一致、非谓语动词、简单句复合句以及从句入手，再逐步复习其他语法知识点。此外，记单词时注意词语的词性；短时间内多总结与熟记考研英语中常用到的相关表达，并逐渐在阅读中提升自己的英语思维。有付出就有收获，加油，祝你考研成功！
参考分数（满分20分）：8
考研1号编辑部
2013年 11月8日
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-11-8 13:34
黑眼圈olivia 发表于 2013-11-8 11:18
老师，我买了考研一号的书，知道你们提供修改论文的服务，发到你们邮箱可以帮我修改吧T^T
觉得老师修改的 ...
嗯，是的，免费修改作文是我们考研1号针对购买我们书籍的考生提供的增值服务，你只需要把自己的习作和购买书籍的序列号和密码发送到指定的邮箱，我们会尽快修改回复给你的。[a:1]
作者: 黑眼圈olivia 时间: 13-11-8 13:37
考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-11-8 13:34
嗯，是的，免费修改作文是我们考研1号针对购买我们书籍的考生提供的增值服务，你只需要把自己的习作和购 ...
谢谢老师，我今天已经发了一篇了，以后就去邮箱打扰老师！(^_^)
作者: YummyLeo 时间: 13-11-8 13:49
考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-11-8 13:34
嗯，是的，免费修改作文是我们考研1号针对购买我们书籍的考生提供的增值服务，你只需要把自己的习作和购 ...
老师我是去年买的书，今年还是用那个邮箱吗？话说今年的和去年的变动不大吧？不用再买新的了是不是
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-11-8 13:59
YummyLeo 发表于 2013-11-8 13:49
老师我是去年买的书，今年还是用那个邮箱吗？话说今年的和去年的变动不大吧？不用再买新的了是不是
嗯哪，邮箱没有变化，你依然可以把自己的作文发送到我们指定的邮箱来修改，发送的时候注明是哪一版次的《写作160篇》中的哪一篇文章，方便我们查找图画进行修改。先在此祝你写作进步，考研成功
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-11-8 17:34
本帖最后由 考研1号编辑部 于 2013-11-11 13:26 编辑
第四期“2005年真题+啃老族”作文修改总结
学生写作中出现的问题：
1. 无论是“养老”还是“啃老”，其距离我们的生活都很接近，因此面对话题大家都有话可说。然而，在面对“如何说”时，一些学生出现了相应的问题：如文章内容不完整，主体部分只是深化描述现象并未突出原因，由于套用模板使得部分内容空洞，分析原因过于片面，列举建议措施时未根据文章前面分析的原因有针对的提出等。
2. 同一幅图画可能反映出多个信息，因此有考生在立意时稍微偏离图画所作的主要目的。
3. 衔接方面的问题：一是段落之间缺少相应的过渡衔接；二是语句之间衔接不紧密，或者虽然使用了一些衔接词但不自然，或者由于衔接词的选用不当而不能明确反映出语句前后的关系。
4. 汉式思维依然存在，导致文章选词不恰当，表意不够精准或不地道。
5. 有学生尝试加工改造模板，这一点值得鼓励。但是，由于套用模板句较多以及模板改造不彻底，导致文章的模板痕迹依然很明显。
6. 单词层面的错误：拼写错误或使用语境有误。
7. 语法层面的错误。
相应的解决方案：
1. 针对社会现象类话题，我们依然按照 “描述图画（引出现象）——剖析现象——得出结论”的行文思路来组织文章。
（1）2005年的真题作文“养老足球赛”揭示的是“子女不赡养老人”这一社会现象，针对此现象：
① 我们可以分析现象产生的原因：
第一， 客观原因：社会竞争激烈，年轻人生活压力大，一些人没有足够的能力赡养父母；物质至上，社会风气及导向不积极，素质教育跟不上，道德及家庭伦理观念缺失……
第二， 从子女的主观角度出发：不负责任（相互推卸），不知感恩……
第三， 从父母的角度出发：家教不当，由于爱子心切不愿或由于法律意识单薄不知用法律武器保护自己的合法权益……
② 我们可以阐述赡养老人的重要性：
第一，正面描述——直接指出赡养老人的重要性：必须履行的义务，中华传统美德等。
第二，侧面揭示——对比赡养老人和不赡养老人带来的不同结果。
a.赡养老人的好处:为自己的子女树立榜样，有利于自己将来养老；自己心安；得到美誉……
b.不赡养老人的后果：受到法律惩罚；子女仿效，自己将来受罪；为人诟病……
③ 我们可以给出相应的建议措施：
第一，社会方面：正风气——媒体等加强关于赡养老人的好处及美谈的宣传，加大因为不赡养老人而造成严重后果或得到严惩事例的报道；教育部加强素质道德教育……
第二，政府方面：完善和健全相关的法律和养老保障制度，细致到具体的细节，并有效监督促使落实，加大惩罚力度和监管……
第三，子女方面：懂得父母养育自己之难，要知道感恩和承担责任……
第四，父母方面：注重家教，学会用法律武器保护自己的合法权益……
④ 我们可以预示趋势：处理好，会……；处理不当，会……
（2）第二幅图画揭示当今越来越引人关注的“啃老族”现象，针对这一现象：
① 我们依然可以分析现象产生的原因：
第一，客观原因：社会竞争激烈，就业形势严峻，学校教育与社会对人才的需求脱节……导致学生就业压力大、找工作难，不能自力更生；
第二，从子女的角度：追求物质享受或因攀比等挥霍无度；迷恋游戏和游玩等荒废学业和实践，或者难以适应社会，使自己没有能力自谋生路……因此只能寻求父母帮助；
第三, 从家长角度：溺爱子女导致孩子无法自立……
② 我们可以阐述啃老族的弊端：
第一， 对社会：啃老族群体扩大，则具有生产力和创造力的人们相对减少，长期以往，社会将停滞不前 ；
第二， 对子女：一直依靠父母，只会坐吃山空；
第三， 对父母：生活压力加大，且自己养老没有保障。
③ 我们可以给出相应的建议措施：
第一， 社会方面：媒体加强自力更生的宣传；学校改革教育模式，培养学生适应社会的能力；政府着力改善就业环境……
第二， 子女方面：转变自己还是孩子的观念，勇于承担责任和面对挑战；在校期间不要沉迷物质生活，而应该充实自己，使自己具备自力更生和面对社会的能力……
第三， 家长方面：不要过分溺爱子女，而应该相信他们，放手让他们独立面对……
④ 我们可以预示趋势：处理好，会……；处理不当，会……
总之，跟上一期的建议一样：考生应该拓宽思路，联想关于选择的所有信息，选择自己感兴趣且能驾驭的内容，将其巧妙、合理地组织在一起，就形成一篇内容充实的文章。
2. 一幅图画可以折射出多层信息，比如“爹钱儿”既反映出啃老族这一现象，同时也暗示子女与父母的关系淡化。在这种情况下，考生最好择取图画最想表达的信息点来进行谋篇，这样立意才会切合题意，不会引起不必要的争议。当然，考生在文章中可以适当加入其他的信息点，但切记要突出重点。
3. 一篇文章的段落之间应该有相应的过渡衔接，使文章层次分明、逻辑清晰。比如点明现象和分析原因之间要有阐明“造成此现象的原因如下”等相关的表述，同时剖析现象后给出建议措施时应该有“既然现象如此严重，那么我们必须……”“造成现象的原因已经明确，那么我们……”等类似的表达。但同时注意，要巧妙地运用一些衔接技巧来表述，而不是逐句僵硬地进行翻译。此外，必须清楚自己文章语句之间的关系，并了解各衔接词的作用，这样才能选用合适的衔接词明晰地表现语句的逻辑和层次，否则只会画龙添足、适得其反。
4. 消除汉式思维是一个艰巨的任务，没有捷径和技巧可言，只有长期坚持不懈努力才会有所改善。不过跟之前给出的建议一样，在短期内，可以总结出考研英语作文中常出现的表达加以记忆，比如描述图画、解释现象、分析原因、指出利弊、提出建议等；在空闲时间通过大量阅读外刊、欧美名著，观看英文电影或其他电视节目等提升自己的英语思维，尤其是前者，对于自己的写作思维也很有帮助。
5. 注意一篇文章中不要出现太多的模板句子，即使是加工改造过的。此外，在加工改造模板句子的过程中，首先要清楚该模板运用的地方以及它自身表述的意思，否则运用不合理会让人啼笑皆非；其次，要注意模板的内容是否充实，不要千篇一律所有文章都出现同一内容；再者，改造要彻底，尽量脱离模板痕迹。另外，上一期活动总结指出“对一些词语进行同义替换，在名词前添加适当的形容词，形容词和动词前添加程度副词等，使模板句子变成自己的独有表达”，相应的，我们也可以把模板的有效内容换一种语法结构或者句式来表达来扩充内容。
6. 在单词的记忆方面，与上期活动总结给出的建议一样，需注意以下几点：
第一，记单词时不光要记单词的意思，还要注意词语的词性；
第二，名词需知其可数还是不可数，动词需知及物或不及物；
第三，注意近义词在词意方面的细小差别以及用法方面的区别，尤其注意使用语境、词义大小、情感褒贬等方面的不同；
第四，形体相近或者发音相同的单词一定要留意，注意区分，不要写错；
第五，清楚同源单词之间的联系和区别；
第六，注意同一单词具有不同词性及不同意义的情况，清楚其在不同语境中的不同含义和用法。
7. 在语法方面，最容易出错的地方有：
①主谓不一致，尤其是动词单三与动词原形的混用——需特别注意定语从句中引导词在从句中作主语时，先行词与从句分词应保持一致；
②由于非谓语动词未掌握清楚而导致句子缺少谓语动词；此外，加之定语从句也未掌握好，造成一个句子中出现两个谓语动词；
③多个形容词修饰同一名词时形容词语序错误，尤其是traditional Chinese错写为Chinese traditional；
④动词时态的选用不是很合适，或者时态前后不一致；
⑤动词的语态错误，该用被动时用主动，该用主动时用被动，或者被动语态形式错误；
⑥名词的可数与不可数混淆，可数名词单复数使用错误；
⑦代词前后的指代不一致，尤其是物主代词their前面指某些人，后面又指其他人；
⑧词语的词性使用错误；
⑨介词后跟成分不清，本该使用动名词的地方用了动词原形；此外，不能区分to什么时候是不定式符号什么时候是介词；
⑩连词的用法未掌握；
此外，还出现以下语法问题：
① only倒装句未掌握好；
② 动词单三形式的特殊变化有误；
③ 句子成分混乱；
④ 介词选用错误；
⑤ 复合词之间的“-”缺失等。
同样地，对于常易出错的语法知识点，一定要细心，对于自己未掌握的方面，要查漏补缺，及时巩固。
希望大家能够认真阅读总结，汲取对自己有帮助的东西，并根据建议改善自己的写作。考研1号编辑部在此祝大家写作进步，考研成功！
考研1号编辑部
2013年11月8日
作者: arthashao 时间: 13-11-8 17:35
考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-11-8 10:04
真的很不好意思，由于现在提交作文的考生越来越多，加之现在到了复习准备的冲刺阶段，我们考研1号编辑部也 ...
嗯嗯，应该的，应该把更多的机会给其他同学，大家一起交流促进，谢谢你们的辛劳工作！！
作者: _Psyche 时间: 13-11-8 23:23
考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-11-8 09:43
写作原文 This picture presents us an urgent letter sent by a young man in college t ...
谢谢老师。。。那么糟的文章也帮我改了！！！带给老师的麻烦表示抱歉！！！在路上，不放弃！
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