考研1号《写作160篇》读者写作练习修改与点评”道德滑坡“4（持续更新中...）

写作原文
《写作160篇》考研英语话题写作经典必背20篇之“道德滑坡现象”读者练习

　　　As is depicted in the picture, a young man is sitting on the seat in a bus with his eyes covered with a veil. While a pregnant woman, an old man and a child are standing in front of her. As the caption in the picture said, the man is making as if a blind man.
　　　How vivid the picture is. And it shows us a phenomenon of moral decline. Such are common in our country and have become a challenging problem today. There are may same reasons lying in the phenomenon. First, people now are very concerned of themselves, thus ignoring other persons who are none of their business. Second, the government does not do very well in the moral education, thus causing the young generation lack the moral character. Last but not the least, the punishment on the immoral behavior is too slight, thus resulting in no one caring it.
　　　As far as I am concerned, raising the modern citizen morals level still has a long way to go. For the governments, they should strengthen the moral education in order to improve the moral level in the young generation. For the mass media, it should play a role in supervision the moral activity. For us, we should pay attention to improve moral level by doing some imponderable but valuable things. Only in these ways can moral level of our country be raised.
原作点评
第一段点评
　　　①As is depicted in the picture, a young man is sitting on the seat in a bus with his eyes covered with a veil. ②While a pregnant woman, an old man and a child are standing in front of her. ③As the caption in the picture said, the man is making as if a blind man.

　　　首段描绘漫画内容。
　　　⑴第一句，划线部分建议删除。（漫画中的人是假装看不见的，若他眼睛真的蒙了丝巾，那他就真的看不见了。）
　　　⑵第三句，as if a blind man→himself a blind man。
第二段点评
　　　①How vivid the picture is. ②And it shows us a phenomenon of moral decline. ③Such are common in our country and have become a challenging problem today. ④There are may same reasons lying in the phenomenon. ⑤First, people now are very concerned of themselves, thus ignoring other persons who are none of their business.⑥ Second, the government does not do very well in the moral education, thus causing the young generation lack the moral character. ⑦Last but not the least, the punishment on the immoral behavior is too slight, thus resulting in no one caring it.
　　　第二段，揭示漫画主题并分析导致这种现象的原因。
　　　⑴第三句，根据上文，这句话的主语应该是the phenomenon，因此这句话主语可以是it，it is common in our society and has become a challenging problem today。
　　　⑵第四句，lying in→contributing to。
第三段点评
　　　①As far as I am concerned, raising the modern citizen morals level still has a long way to go.② For the governments, they should strengthen the moral education in order to improve the moral level in the young generation. ③For the mass media, it should play a role in supervision the moral activity.④ For us, we should pay attention to improve moral level by doing some imponderable but valuable things. ⑤Only in these ways can moral level of our country be raised.
　　　第三段总结全文，提出自己的见解。
　　　⑴第一句，应该深化主题，raising the modern citizen morals level still has a long way to go.→raising modern citizens’ moral level is in urgence。
　　　⑵第三句，media是复数，it 应该变成they。
　　　⑶第四句，pay attention to删除，太啰嗦。
总体点评
文章亮点：条理清楚，思路清晰。
文章错误：①表达问题：个别语句显得啰嗦，有些地方表达不准确；最后总结时未能紧扣主题。
②语法错误：文中有少量语法错误。
修改意见：建议坚持背诵考研160篇的必背20篇，观察其遣词造句以及构思谋篇的方式；坚持利用相应时间去读21世纪等英文刊物，使自己文章变得更协调。参考分数（满分20分）：13

修改展示
　　　As is depicted in the picture, a young man is sitting in a seat in bus, with a pregnant woman, an old man and a child standing in front of him(写作者写得也可以，不过独立主格结会更好). As the caption in the picture said, the man is making himself a blind man.
　　　How vivid the picture is！And it shows us a phenomenon of moral decline. It is common in our society and has become a challenging problem today. There are may same reasons contributing to the phenomenon. First, people now are only  concerned for themselves and gnore others. Second, the government does not do very well in the moral education, thus causing young people’s low moral character. Last but not the least, the punishment on the immoral behaviors is too slight, thus resulting in people’s ignorance.(注意句子的协调性)
　　　As far as I am concerned, raising modern citizens’ moral level is in urgence. For the governments, they should strengthen moral education in order to educate the young. For mass media, they should play a role in supervision immoral activity. For us, we should improve our moral level by doing some imponderable but valuable activities. Only in these ways can the moral level of our society be raised.

原作点评
第一段点评
　　　①As is depicted in the picture, a young man is sitting on the seat in a bus with his eyes covered with a veil. ②While a pregnant woman, an old man and a child are standing in front of her. ③As the caption in the picture said, the man is making as if a blind man.

　　　首段描绘漫画内容。
　　　⑴第一句，划线部分建议删除。（漫画中的人是假装看不见的，若他眼睛真的蒙了丝巾，那他就真的看不见了。）
　　　⑵第三句，as if a blind man→himself a blind man。
第二段点评
　　　①How vivid the picture is. ②And it shows us a phenomenon of moral decline. ③Such are common in our country and have become a challenging problem today. ④There are may same reasons lying in the phenomenon. ⑤First, people now are very concerned of themselves, thus ignoring other persons who are none of their business.⑥ Second, the government does not do very well in the moral education, thus causing the young generation lack the moral character. ⑦Last but not the least, the punishment on the immoral behavior is too slight, thus resulting in no one caring it.
　　　第二段，揭示漫画主题并分析导致这种现象的原因。
　　　⑴第三句，根据上文，这句话的主语应该是the phenomenon，因此这句话主语可以是it，it is common in our society and has become a challenging problem today。
　　　⑵第四句，lying in→contributing to。
第三段点评
　　　①As far as I am concerned, raising the modern citizen morals level still has a long way to go.② For the governments, they should strengthen the moral education in order to improve the moral level in the young generation. ③For the mass media, it should play a role in supervision the moral activity.④ For us, we should pay attention to improve moral level by doing some imponderable but valuable things. ⑤Only in these ways can moral level of our country be raised.
　　　第三段总结全文，提出自己的见解。
　　　⑴第一句，应该深化主题，raising the modern citizen morals level still has a long way to go.→raising modern citizens’ moral level is in urgence。
　　　⑵第三句，media是复数，it 应该变成they。
　　　⑶第四句，pay attention to删除，太啰嗦。
总体点评
文章亮点：条理清楚，思路清晰。
文章错误：①表达问题：个别语句显得啰嗦，有些地方表达不准确；最后总结时未能紧扣主题。
②语法错误：文中有少量语法错误。
修改意见：建议坚持背诵考研160篇的必背20篇，观察其遣词造句以及构思谋篇的方式；坚持利用相应时间去读21世纪等英文刊物，使自己文章变得更协调。参考分数（满分20分）：13

修改展示
　　　As is depicted in the picture, a young man is sitting in a seat in bus, with a pregnant woman, an old man and a child standing in front of him(写作者写得也可以，不过独立主格结会更好). As the caption in the picture said, the man is making himself a blind man.
　　　How vivid the picture is！And it shows us a phenomenon of moral decline. It is common in our society and has become a challenging problem today. There are may same reasons contributing to the phenomenon. First, people now are only  concerned for themselves and gnore others. Second, the government does not do very well in the moral education, thus causing young people’s low moral character. Last but not the least, the punishment on the immoral behaviors is too slight, thus resulting in people’s ignorance.(注意句子的协调性)
　　　As far as I am concerned, raising modern citizens’ moral level is in urgence. For the governments, they should strengthen moral education in order to educate the young. For mass media, they should play a role in supervision immoral activity. For us, we should improve our moral level by doing some imponderable but valuable activities. Only in these ways can the moral level of our society be raised.

很好！！！！！！！！