【考研1号】“作文修改”活动——【第二期“”道德滑坡现象】

道德滑坡现象

Directions:

Study the following picturecarefully and write an essay. In  thisessay,  you should

1. describe the picture and interpret itsmeaning,

2. analyse the causes of the phenomenon, and

3. express your opinions about the problem.

You should write 160-200 words neatly onANSWER SHEET 2. (20points)

免费考研论坛与考研1号联合发起“作文修改”活动要求地址：http://bbs.freekaoyan.com/thread-840736-1-1.html【第一期活动地址】：http://bbs.freekaoyan.com/thread-840747-1-1.html
大家踊跃参加哦！[t:12]

It is hardly difficult for us to figure out in the drawing given above that a person , leisurely and perky , is sitting on the seat while an older and a younger are standing there looking at the man who plays a temporary blind . It is a striking morning all to send us a significant message that personal morality has been declined in current society .
Why the phenomenon existed ? Several factors could weigh heavily for the depression of moralities , yet , suspend at the top of the list are the following causes . To begin with , there’s a large number of people who are not realizing moralities are significant to us on the contrary that they are selfness and heartless . Moreover , as the economic boom brings not merely material comfort but fast rhythm of daily life as well , modern citizens , especially those in metropolises , are facing more pressure so that people have no additional energy to care others .
It is hardly necessary for me to cite all the evidence of the revolutionary influence that personal morality gives rise to . To begin with , it is the symbol of personal cultivation and it can promote us get along with our friends . Apart form , personal morality is the foundation of building a harmonious society .
All analyses presented above convince people that morality is vital to us , thus , we should try our best to promote it in order to make our society colorful and harmonious .

希望有幸被批改。  最好能给个提示就本作文得分在什么范围内，心里好有个尺度，万分感谢！！！

2014年考研生的福音！很实用！真的是最好家教！

tmsb 发表于 14-10-8 19:36
怎么上传文件呢

http://bbs.freekaoyan.com/thread-885286-1-1.html在这个帖子里回复你的作文就好啦，快来参加吧

怎么上传文件呢

小椰 发表于 2013-10-26 17:18
水月昨天晚上才给我说的..。z

我看见好久了···一直不敢写···

悠弥北北 发表于 2013-10-26 17:00
小爷~交的比我还晚···哇哈哈~

水月昨天晚上才给我说的..。z

考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-10-26 17:03
写作原文     As is shown above, in a crowded bus there are four people and only one se ...

还担心交的实在太晚老师不会批改了，非常感谢老师的建议。确实是在行文思路和内容组织上未下功夫，以后会努力改进......

小椰 发表于 2013-10-26 15:33
As is shown above, in a crowded bus there are four people and only one seat. Sitting on the seat fir ...

写作原文

    As is shown above, in a crowded bus there are four people and only one seat（in a crowded bus后面加“，”或者放到句末）. Sitting on the seat firmly, the rude man ignores the old person, （加the）little girl and even the pregnant women (woman)who stands(主语是the old person…and …, 为复数，为了保持主谓一致，改为stand) around him. It is obvious that he is pretending to be blind and unwilling to offer his seat to anyone.

（第一段点评：文章第一段描述图画，优点是使用了独立结构、从句、无灵主语等好的表达方式，长短结合，错落有致。与悠弥北北一样，作者写长句时会忽视前后的主谓一致，这一点应引起注意。）

    In fact, that kind of moral decline is not uncommon nowadays among the Chinese people. First and foremost, there are fewer citizens than before who are willing to sacrifice their own life to save other people. Furthermore, while some people enjoy a comfortable life, they never think about those who are struggling in utter poverty or try to give them assistance. Last but not least, human beings in modern society are becoming a great deal more indifferent to the suffering of others, yet they don’t even recognize it.

（第二段点评：本段的优点是语言流畅自然。需注意：第一句提出that kind of moral decline is not uncommon，“这种现象很常见”，按照语意，后面理所当然的应该是列举类似的现象。但是作者后面所列出的三个方面却是解释现象的原因。因此，在这两者之间缺少一个衔接，来说明“造成现象普遍的原因是由多方面引起的”。此外，作者列举的三个方面，一是“人们不愿牺牲自己”，二是“人们只顾自己享受，不顾及生活在水深火热的贫苦民众”，三是“人们对于别人的苦难很冷漠”——这三点从某种程度上而言都是一个层面的东西。因此，作者需注意逻辑方面的衔接以及内容之间的联系。）

    It is imperative for us to take drastic measures. It is undoubtedly that people’s behavior of helping others is directly bound up with their moral consciousness, and that this in turn rests upon the efforts of scholars and policymakers of all kinds. In short, they ought to do their utmost to cultivate the awareness of people that giving assistance to those who needs（need）has always been the traditional virtue of Chinese culture. Only in this way can we curb the evil phenomenon revealed in the cartoon.

（第三段点评：本段写得非常好，不仅语言流畅，衔接自然，且有内容。首先提到采取措施刻不容缓，然后指出帮助他人与道德意识联系紧密，又说明道德意识的培养需要学者和官员等全面的努力，最后用only倒装句说明如果努力能够落实，将会转变现在的局面。不过，相对而言，内容还是有一点儿空泛，只提到需要各方面全力以赴，但没有提到具体的解决措施。）

总体点评

本文的优点在于：行文如流水，语言顺畅自然，句式多变，长短结合，错落有致。

需注意以下几个方面：

1. 文章有个别语法错误，应是作者不细心所致：①主谓不一致，who stands、those who needs；②冠词的使用（加the）little girl。

2. 对图画的描述应该切合原图，the pregnant women (woman)。

3. 注意逻辑方面前后句子之间的衔接。

4. 对于文章的内容有待挖掘，使文章的内容殷实。

    作者的语法基础和文笔都较好，需注意一些细节方面，并在文章的内容深度方面努力，可以看一下62#行文构思方面的总结，看看对自己有没有什么帮助！我相信只要你能开拓思路，文章一定会达到范文水平，加油！

参考分数（满分20分）：13

                                                                                                                                                         考研1号编辑部

                                                                                                                                                     2013年 10月26日

考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-10-26 15:44
第三期的话题下午五点多的时候就会发的，敬请期待，有图有真相哦

待会儿会把这期活动的总结贴上 ...

看到总结了~多谢老师~希望多写写能有进步~