考研1号《写作160篇》读者写作练习修改与点评”道德滑坡“5（持续更新中...）

写作原文
　　考研英语话题图画作文《写作160篇》之“道德滑坡”话题读者写作练习
　　　　　　　As is vividly betrayed in the picture,in the chair sits a young teenager,ignoring an elder man who is taking his litter granddaughter and a pregnant woman,with mind at rest and conscience clear. There has been a heated discussion about this picture recently in the newspaper.Simple as the picture is,the symbolic meaning is as deep as ocean.The past couple of decades has witnessed a remarkable improvement of people's living standard,owning to advanced science and technology,bring some problems at the some time,with the decline of moral being the foremost.This problem happening particularly on the young generation.By doing so,they will go far from each other and kinship,friendship, love and other emotions are not so pure and sincere as before.They will obtain less assistance from their friends. Therefore,they are less likely to achieve themselves in their prospective career.It is imperative to take drastic measures to put this grave situation on hold.For one thing,central authority,along with certain social institutions,is expected to make corresponding laws, comprehensive rules or regulations.For the other,we should cultivate the awareness of the young that respecting the old has always been the traditional virtue of Chinese culture.Only in a harmonious and healthy atmosphere,can we eventually build up the idea scene in which people can enjoy their live tranquilly and peacefully.
原作点评
第一段点评
As is vividly betrayed in the picture,in the chair sits a young teenager,ignoring an elder man who is taking his litter（little拼写错误） granddaughter and a pregnant woman（可加后置定语standing by him）,with mind at rest and conscience clear（表意不明，可直接删除）. There has been a heated discussion about this picture recently in the newspaper.Simple as the picture is,the symbolic meaning is as deep as ocean.
　　第一段：准确描述图画，符合directions的第一条。
第二段点评
①The past couple of decades has witnessed a remarkable improvement of people's living standard,owning to advanced science and technology,bring some problems at the some（same拼写错误）time,with the decline of moral being the foremost.②This problem happening particularly on the young generation.③By doing so,they will go far from each other and kinship,friendship, love and other emotions are not so pure and sincere as before.④They will obtain less assistance from their friends. ⑤Therefore,they are less likely to achieve themselves in their prospective career.
本段无关阐述太多，段落的核心意思不明显，对话题展开不够。论述和图示现象联系不紧密，此外论点不突出，论据不典型。
①句：一般段落的第一句话都是承上启下的过渡句，要尽量简洁一点。本句可直接改为：Ironically,our living standard increases,while the moral standard decreases.
　　②句：指出问题主要发生在青少年身上。
　　③句：列举事例说明②句。④⑤句都是③句引发的后果，
第三段点评
①It is imperative to take drastic measures to put this grave situation on hold.②For one thing,central authority,along with certain social institutions,is expected to make corresponding laws, comprehensive rules or regulations.③For the other,we should cultivate the awareness of the young that respecting the old has always been the traditional virtue of Chinese culture.④Only in a harmonious and healthy atmosphere,can we eventually build up the idea（ideal拼写错误）scene in which people can enjoy their live tranquilly and peacefully.
第三段：根据前文阐述，给出相关建议和措施，总结全文。
　　①句：on hold意为“暂停”，此处用stop“停止”会更好。
②句：central authority,along with certain social institutions表述太罗嗦，直接用the authority就可以。④句：
③句：注意句子表达的重点，可改为the young should be cultivated that respecting the old is the traditional virtue of Chinese culture.

总体点评
1.段落格式：英文段落格式有两种：首行缩进，段间不空行；首行顶格，段间空一行。2.谋篇行文：全文的重点要放在揭示图书内涵上，论述要有理有据，思路要清晰。
3.遣词造句：不要一味追求长句子，而使句子成分过于冗杂。在清楚达意的基础上，要
做到言简意赅。
建议：在练习写作的初期，先不要急于动笔，对《写作160篇》中的经典范文要自信研读，学习文章的构思、行文和用词。上篇的写作素材要多多积累并使用到自己的习作中，比如常见搭配，名言警句等。

参考分数（满分20分）：11分

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