考研1号《写作160篇》读者写作练习修改与点评”道德滑坡“7（持续更新中...）

写作原文　　　　　　　
《写作160篇》必备范文第六篇话题写作“道德滑坡” 读者练习

　　　①As is depicted in the drawing above, a pregnant woman and a greybeard who is taking a little girl, are standing in a bus. ②Yet, a young man is pretending a blind and refusing to offer his seat to those who need help. ③It seems that his eyes are covered with a black scarf. ④It truly disclose the phenomenon that as economic has flourished, masses moral is sharply decline.
　　　①As I noted, economic prosperity has distorted people’s conscience, and resulted in selfishness, especially on the young generation. ②As we all know, some people are afraid of lending a hand to an injured person for avoiding bearing the responsibility. ③When a kid is struggling in a river, an adult is bargaining with kid’s families. ④We are too indifferent to show our sympathy and respect.
　　①Now it is time we put an end to these undesirable actions among citizens. ②To eliminate this, we’d better strengthen the public guidance. ③For example, we should propagate and flourish the respect of the old and the care of young which is our superior moral character. ④So that to prompt our harmonious society construction and make our city more benevolent


原作点评
第一段点评
题目要求第一段应该包括图画描述和图画的意义，进而引出相关话题。改作文对于图描述很到位，但是对于意义有点你轻描淡写，希望对该部分内容有所增加。
①句中，建议将who is taking a little girl 改为 with a little girl，以表示一位带着小女
的老人，英语一般不会用taking来表达这个意思，这样有点中式英语的感觉。
④句中disclose 改为discloses,这里谓语动词用单数；
　　　　economic 改为 economy，这里应该用名词；
　　　　decline 改为declining , decline为动词，与is 连用要用动名词形式，表正在进行。
第二段点评
　　　题目要求第二段分析这种现象的原因。该作文分析了原因，但还是希望再加点自己的看法。
句中especially on the young generation 改为 which especially happens to the young
generation ,原句中少了表示“发生”的单词。
②句中for avoiding改为to avoid ,表示目的；
③句中kid’s 前面加 the ,以指代前面的 a kid。
　最好在an adult 后面加上who has the abiliy to help the kid 这个定语从句来说明这个
成年人到底是是什么人，不然的话那些不知道这种新闻背景的读者不知道为什么这个人与孩子家长讨价还价，就会有点不明所以。
第三段点评
①句中it is time we put改为 it is time for us to put ,该句句子结构错误；
把among citizens去掉，有点累赘。
③句中将the respect of the old and the care of young改为 the idea of respecting
the aged and caring for the young ，该句子是想表达宣传弘扬尊老爱幼的美德，而原
翻译城中问后缺失“的美德”这个词，在这尊老爱幼翻译有问题，照原文的翻译过
就成了老人的尊敬和幼小的爱护，意思完全不对；
　　　　flourish使用不当，建议去掉不用，或者改为promote；
　　　　which 前面加“，”是限制性定语从句。
④句建议修改为By doing this, our society will be more harmonious and benevolent。
句so that 不能出现在句首。
总体点评
文章错误：①段落功能：该作文基本符合题目要求，但在某些该描述的地方不太详细到位
②用词错误：对于某些词汇的意思和用法还不太熟悉，以至于误用，不符合英语习惯用法。
③句法错误：有简单的语法错误，及句子结构混乱等。
修改意见：注意语法小细节及常用单词的正确用法，避免一些由于不细心而造成的低级错误。注意句子表达完整，不要漏掉该有的信息。建议在写作的时候要细心，对于不确定用法的词最好少用，从而能使文章少一些词汇用法这种类似的错误

参考分数（满分20分）：10
修改展示
　　　As is depicted in the drawing above, a pregnant woman and a greybeard with a little girl, are standing in a bus. Yet, a young man is pretending a blind and refusing to offer his seat to those who need help. It seems that his eyes are covered with a black scarf. It truly discloses the phenomenon that as economy has flourished, masses moral is sharply declining.
　　　As I noted, economic prosperity has distorted people’s conscience, and resulted in selfishness, which especially happens to the young generation. As we all know, some people are afraid of lending a hand to an injured person to avoid bearing the responsibility. When a kid is struggling in a river, an adult who has the abiliy to help the kid is bargaining with the kid’s families. We are too indifferent to show our sympathy and respect.
　　　Now it is time we put an end to these undesirable actions. To eliminate this, we’d better strengthen the public guidance. For example, we should propagate the idea of , which is our superior moral character. By doing this, our society will be more harmonious and benevolent
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