本帖最后由 考研1号编辑部 于 2013-10-25 13:22 编辑
五妖妖 发表于 2013-10-22 13:37
请老师批改~谢谢
第一段As is shown in the above,on the bus seat sits a young man,pretending to be ...
写作原文 As is shown in the above(缺少成分,可改为in the above picture,这里above是形容词;也可改为in the picture above,这里above作副词), on the bus seat sits a young man,pretending to be blind by bonding a black bandage on his eyes,despite of all the people standing around him consist of(despite of后面应该跟名词词组、动名词词组等,不能跟简单句。而consist是谓语动词,这样一来后面就是个句子。因此改为consisting of/ which consist of ,或改为including)a pregnant woman,an old man and a littlegirl whose (无所属关系,用who,作need to的主语)really need to sit down while the bus is driving.As simple (去掉as, 改为Simple。此处是后面的连词as引导让步状语从句的倒装。而“as…as”结构中,前一个as 是副词,表示“同样地”,后一个as可以是连词接名词、动名词,也可以是连词接从句) as the picture is,the symbolic meaning is as deep as ocean. The drawing shows us the phenomenon of morality(moral)decline which is prevailing in modern society.Many people fail to consider other individuals’ need especially the vulnerable groups(groups’,此处应与individuals’平行),caring only (加for) themselves,feeling no ashamed (shame, no后面应跟名词,而ashamed是形容词) of it.First of all,the past decades has(主谓不一致,前面用的是复数decades,改为have)witnessed a huge development in the economy,bringing some problems at the same time,with the decline of morality being the foremost.Last but not least,the quality-oriented education has not been paid sufficient attention. The morality has always been high(highly,副词修饰动词)valued intraditional Chinese culture.As an old Chinese proverb says,“Treatthe old as your parents,take care of the young as your children”.That's such a beautiful virtue that should be reserved carefully and handed down age byage. 总体点评 本文的优点在于使用倒装句、定语从句等句式使文章显得语法结构丰富,且句子长短结合,错落有致;末段引用了一句中国古语,很好地传达出作者的观点。 需注意以下几个问题: 1. 文章有语法问题,主要是:其一,句子缺少成分,Asis shown in the above,这应该是作者不细心所致;其二,despite of后跟成分不清,despite of allthe people standing around him consist of;其三,定语从句的引导词混用/who与whose区分不清,whose reallyneed to;其四,as的用法未掌握;其五,词语的词性不清,morality decline,feeling no ashamed of it ,has always been high valued;其六,主谓不一致,the past decades has。作者应该细心,同时注意加强自己的语法基础。 2. 文章第二段也出现了模板句子the past decades has witnessed ahuge development in the economy,bringing some problems at the same time,withthe decline of morality being the foremost。在咱第二期活动中即出现了两个完全一样的表达,可想而知,全国有多少人都在使用这些模板,阅卷老师对此应不会手下留情。模板的特色是表达很好却没有实际内容,建议考生不要一味模仿,要有自己的创新。 3. 文章第一段使用了一个长句,这一点应该是值得鼓励的。但是,这个长句却出现了两处语法错误。在文章的开篇,最好不要出现类似语法错误、单词拼写等低级错误,这直接影响了文章的印象分数。因此,在文章开篇最好写自己有把握能写好写对的句子,如若要写长句,一定要多加检查。
总之,从文章整体来看,作者的语法基础不是很差,需注意细心与查漏补缺,逐渐消灭自己文章中的语法错误。并注意,尽量不要使用一看即知且很多人都同时使用的模板句子,有内容可写,就写出自己的特色! 有付出就有收获,加油,你一定能写出更好的文章!
参考分数(满分20分):9 考研1号编辑部 2013年 10月25日
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